Today for Father's Day, after breakfast with my dad, Scott and I headed to another south suburb to celebrate with his dad, grandpa and uncle.

We ended up at his cousin Mark's house where in the backyard sits a gorgeous in-ground pool. With slide and diving board. Along with cheese, Malbec and puppy dogs, pools have a way of entrancing me. Despite never ever being comfortable in a swimming suit, I have always loved the water, and never ever let being self-conscious in a suit keep me from enjoying it. Somehow I've always been able to get around it by remembering that when it comes to swimsuits, really and truly, most women, no matter their shape, are never really that happy with how they look in them.

There are exceptions, but more often than not, I'm right on this.

So today there was swimming, but there I was without a suit. I'd had no idea. This, of course, was not going to stop me. As far as I was concerned, someone just get me to a Target and I'll pick up a black tank suit and we'll call it a day. We ran to the car and realized ... we had no idea how to get to the Target, despite the directions we were given. We opted to drive towards the shopping area I did know about, the one near to where my sister lives, and stumbled on, of all places, a KMart. I don't have any airs about discount places because, you know, people who shop at Target still aren't shopping at Saks and Barney's, no matter how much they want to pretend otherwise. They're in a Target.

That said, KMart isn't a discount place I go to normally, mostly because the selection stinks. But, applying the same logic to the excursion as I was to Target, I had no problems pulling in, grabbing a black tank and going on my way. Of course, wouldn't you know it, there wasn't a plain black tank suit to be had that didn't also have a skirt attached to it and I am not self-conscious about my thighs.

I also am not 70.

I was desperate, and hot, and the only thing I could think of was that gorgeous pool and how one of these days I was going to have to get comfortable with my body, and that meant even how much smaller it is these days, and just try on ... a tankini.

And so I did. And guess what? It fit. It didn't roll up or bunch - as tankinis are have always been wont to do on me - and instead looked more flattering than any suit I've bought in about three years. We got back to the house and everyone complimented me on my find, and the fact that I got it for $10. I was in the pool in about 20 minutes.

Look, I could wear a one-piece and still not be 100 percent comfortable with showing that much skin. I wear a size 10, I have muscles, I work hard and still? I'm just not a body shape for whom swimsuits are an ego boost. I'm short, and over the past couple of years developed some small pockets of cellulite on my butt that weren't there before, but I'm learning to find a way to be comfortable with being smaller and not being perfect - whatever that actually means, of course. Being smaller means I can wear two-piece swimsuits now, and I shouldn't be scared of them simply because I'm not without flaw. I didn't look hideous and, as it turned out, found a swimsuit I actually love.

And, God help me, it's a print. A print, people. I think the last time I wore a swimsuit with a floral print on it I was AGE 10, not SIZE 10.

This back and forth is getting easier, and less traumatizing. More normal. It still causes me to pause, but I've become braver. That's a good thing.

Posted by Erin at 08:13 PM | filed under: Random