Today I took off out of work early to visit my grandmother who is the hospital. She is OK, though like anyone who is 86, there is only so much OK you can be. She knows it. She'll be there another night. I'll see her next weekend.

"This getting old business is for the birds," she leaned over and whispered to me today.

To be fair, this is a lady who last week was mowing her own yard with a push mower. Gas powered, but still. My grandmother is in such great shape, we should all be so lucky.

Here is the thing: when I talked to her the other day, days before she was in the hospital, she told me that my dad, JP, had told her that I was "as thin as you've ever been," she said. "He said you really look terrific." I sorta hemmed and hawed in response, not knowing what to say. In an attempt to put my personal politics about words such as "thin" completely aside, there was no choice for me to take that as anything other than a compliment, no matter how much I wanted to protest. "Oh, Gram, I just eat well and take care of myself is all." And it's true. I really do. But in those instances such a response just feels like a code word for "Seriously. I'm still so fat."

As soon as I'd walked into her room today, we talked for about two minutes before her face lit up like a Christmas tree and she said, "You really do look beautiful honey. You really are so thin." And I can assure you, I didn't have to worry about my complicated feelings about language to know that she wasn't reinforcing any ideas about feminine ideals or that I'd finally lived up to some expectation of beauty. She simply saw a happy and healthy me. A person who, yes, is thinner now, but who looks better as a result of a healthier lifestyle. The look on her face was so pure and unadulterated - like she was caught off guard - and she was just happy that I looked good.

Sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in the idea that I have to apologize for what I've done - because others didn't do it, couldn't do it, or chose not to - that I have to laugh. It's OK to be happy because I am healthy now. It's OK to be pleased with my appearance. It's OK to be proud, even, for having lost weight and continued to improve my body. Once in a while, it's OK to let your grandmother compliment you for being thinner than you've ever been and not feel like you're betraying any particular ideals - yours or anyone else's.

Posted by Erin at 10:50 PM | filed under: Random