May 2008 archives

I am so pissed off about my hip right now.

I am trying to be calm, you know, and see the positive in having something happen that isn't threatening the long-term, but is serious enough to get me to slow down and re-examine my habits. But it's hard, mostly because the idea of being off of my feet and out of the gym for an extended period of time sets off weird alarms in my head, little triggers of things, and it takes a lot of work for me to keep Teh Crazy voices at bay.

I have to rest - and stay off of high heels, as I learned today - in order to get better. It doesn't mean I won't work out next week, or compete in the triathlon, or that I'm going to go back to being a total and complete sloth who slowly works her way back out of shape. It doesn't work that way. I've kept myself in great shape for how many years now? Even when I gained about 20 pounds back in 2005-2006, I was still in good shape and I managed to fully resume my work out routine, which resulted in me losing the 20 in no time flat by 2007.

I know that I'm fine.

But still, it's hard not to feel like you're making the old excuses not to work out. And I think this is how some of us girls who were once really overweight and out of shape get injured and sidelined. We think that if we take one step out of line, we're doomed for good so we push, push, push, as if somehow by pushing through the pain and the misery we'll keep ourselves from ever having to have felt like we once did when we were so out of shape and unhealthy. And that in and of itself is dangerous, unhealthy behavior, right? Overkill is just as bad as underkill. I really love moving, I truly do, but sometimes I have to be careful that my love of working out and being active isn't just a clever disguise for someone with a serious problem. It is a work in progress.

Push, push, push.

It is not an excuse to say that with each step I make my hip aches and smarts. It is not an excuse to realize, by the end of the day, that you aren't risking it and deciding not to go to the gym. But it FEELS like an excuse. It just does. Maybe I should have gone in the morning? Maybe it would hurt less first thing? As it stands, I'm injured from all of the push, push, pushing, and it probably wouldn't matter if I worked out in the morning or night - it's all just one big ouch.

All that said, I'm still frustrated and bummed out. But I'm going to take care of myself, and just eat lots of vegetables and fruit and grains and watch it with the Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs in my freezer - my girlfriends bought me a bag last week and I've decided that when I get back on my feet into training, each week of successful training will merit one, I don't give a rat's ass how food should not be a reward, whatever.

Yum.

So I'm going to go play Wii for a while, and soak my body in a hot tub with some Burt's Bees salts and pray that it just takes one more day (I haven't worked out since Saturday) before I can get back to moving again. Even just a little.

Posted by Erin at 08:11 PM | | filed under: Ouch

I am injured, slightly, again.

OK. Maybe a bit more than slightly. My hip. It hurts. I ran three miles this morning, and OUCH. I played golf - nine holes - and OUCH. Weight on it just sucks. If I sit too long, it hurts more. I am about 99.9% certain this is all because I didn't stretch properly the other night after a particularly hard and fast run. I know it. That's when it started hurting, so there you go.

No more. I push myself pretty hard these days, but I am not doing the work I need to keep my body well in recovery. I'm not a kid anymore, and the more time I don't set aside for proper conditioning and stretching and rest, the more likely I am to keep getting these stupid, avoidable injuries. I cannot put myself in permanent traction, but I will if I don't take care of myself.

My promise to myself is to fit in 20 minutes of stretching each day, every day, and get back to Bikram once a week. I have five classes I've already paid for but I haven't taken the time to go and use them. There is no excuse for being this sore all of the time.

Lastly, I thought of something during my run this morning that I didn't add to my list of reasons why I could - and will - kick the crap out of the Danskin Triathlon this year in comparison to my performance five years ago:

4) I no longer smoke.

I can't believe I'd forgotten that back then I was still smoking, an entire pack a day, no less. I remember poor Heather and James looking at me later that night in disbelief as I lit up smoke after smoke. A lot has changed since then, to be sure, but this is probably one of the biggest.

Posted by Erin at 12:16 AM | | filed under: Ouch

All week I've had weird cravings for the most processed nonsense.

You know, one of the reasons I cannot get on board with Hungry Girl is that I feel like she's all about fake food. I have yet to find one of her recipes that doesn't make me feel as though I'm punishing myself for wanting a cheese burrito. I've really tried, I have, and I don't think her site overall is horrible, but GOD. There is nothing I loathe more than what amounts to a diet that exists primarily on what I consider to be Fake Food, and the majority of her recipes feel just like that.

Let's advocate cleaner eating and, if the mood strikes you for a Taco Bell burrito? TRUST YOURSELF and go have that damn burrito and let's move on. I've said this before, I know, but we all buy in to the message that we have to cobble together poor substitutes for our particular cravings because if we "give in," we're screwed. And what does that mean anyway?I know, yes, all about trigger foods. I have my own. And I know this isn't easy. I struggle, too. But to subsist on a diet that's comprised mainly of these sorts of foods, and not even try, just once, after a piece of pizza or five, say to ourselves "I'm going to trust in myself that this was just pizza. Not the end of the world. Just pizza," and continue? I think what struck me most about Good With Cheese was how she perfectly captures the struggle to just tell ourselves that we're awesome no matter what, and really believe it.

</rant>

Ahem.

The other night I wanted a fried chicken sandwich. But I didn't want one badly enough to deal with what all of that grease was going to do to my digestive system. Plus, I planned on having a glass or two of wine that night as Scott's sister was coming over. So I went ahead and got a box of Spicy Boca chicken patties - which totally kick ass - and some of those Healthy Life buns (much better than Natural Ovens), some pickles and lettuce and some tater tots for good measure. Later in the week, I wanted hot dogs but I don't as a rule eat hot dogs because, you know, ick, but I was really craving all of the fixings, including the relish and sport peppers. Chicago dogs are the best. So I picked up some Ball Park all-white turkey franks, more Healthy Life buns, and the aforementioned fixings.

In both instances, my cravings were sated, and I didn't feel like I needed to bring out a whip and flagellate myself for eating what amounts to a substitute of the original craving. Just the same, the whole process seemed incredibly hypocritical considering what I believe. I made healthier choices, to be sure, and they were quite tasty, but again - hypocritical.

So this week I'm going to try something new. With our wedding coming up, we're trying to cut costs and save money where we can, and with food prices being so ungodly, I stands to reason that a cheaper way of eating is in order. We have farmer's markets and produce stands, all with incredibly reasonable prices, and as a result there is no reason why all of my meals can't come from these sources and cheaply, to boot. Plus, I haven't been getting nearly the amount of veggies I need.

Nothing fancy or crazy - I'll eat eggs, I'm sure - just a stab at spending some more time in the kitchen, taking the time to prepare healthy, tasty meals and hopefully remove all of that gawd-awful sodium from my body. I'll share the recipes, and if you have any fun veggie-centered recipes, shoot them my way. There isn't a vegetable I won't eat!

Posted by Erin at 10:11 AM | | filed under: Random

So I found a pool! Yay! And it's right by my office, and completely accessible by bike, and it's free! Yay Chicago Park District!

I haven't done it yet, but there is an adult swim from noon until 1:45 p.m. every day during the week. It's totally plausible that I could fit in my swims during that time, as long as it doesn't take me forever to bike to the pool.

In other news, my friends Brenda and Jill last year competed in this crazy race up in Michigan where you run six miles and THEN climb up 281 stairs. They loved it, even though it was insane. So, I've totally agreed to do this with them in September. It sounds fun, I'll get to race with my friends (who will no doubt kick my butt) and perhaps finally develop the sort of back end I've always wanted, perhaps shake what my Mama sorely neglected to give me.

Last night at the gym I was struck by how many people have returned to it. Honest to Pete it was PACKED in there. Granted, it was rush hour, but it was dog-eat-dog in there. I put my towel down on a bench, went to grab my weights, and this big muscle-headed dude sits right down and takes my bench! Isn't a towel on a bench the universal sign for "This Bench Taken" or am I wrong?

Posted by Erin at 01:14 PM | | filed under: Training

I know my messages here are mixed at LTB these days. I'm still trying to find a happy middle ground for myself, one that gives me permission to like being in a smaller body and one that won't beat myself up for any perceived misstep as a result of keeping it.

It would be nice, obviously, if we could all come to terms with our body anxieties and self-esteem just by saying so but it isn't that easy. I like training and exercising but I wish I could enjoy it without assigning value to the act, and more importantly, wondering how many calories I might have burned in doing so.

I found Good With Cheese today and I'm just in awe of not only what she's done but also that she's brave enough to write so honestly about her experiences. If you've ever wondered what it might feel like to try and love yourself beyond the calories you consume or the size of your jeans, Megan's blog is for you.

(Yes, I know I'm late to the game. I'm bad at reading new blogs sometimes.)

I'm not even done reading her archives but I'm so inspired by her already. This stuff is full of contradictions and triumphs and failures and successes, on so many levels, that it's refreshing to read someone so willing to admit that.

Posted by Erin at 02:43 PM | | filed under: Inspiration

The Danskin Triathlon, that is.

Don't ask me where this came from, other than I'm always one for setting goals. For long-time readers, can you believe it's been five years since I did that first triathlon? I can barely. I was trolling through pictures and messing around at the site and I stumbled on pictures from the triathlon and it hit me:

1) I'm twenty pounds lighter than that first triathlon. I did it at 160 pounds. Now I'm 141. Well, so that's 19 pounds but whatever.
2) I ride my bike 10 miles round trip almost every day to work. Almost every day. Twelve miles is nothing. Plus I have a nice new road bike, as opposed to a clunky ol' mountain bike.
3) While I've not been running much in the last month or two, I'm still running and not worried about my cardio.

I just pulled up my results from that 2003 race and while I'm still proud of what I did, yeesh! I could kick the crap out of that performance NOW if I had to. I mean, right now. I'm in great shape, I wouldn't be starting from the beginning and how much fun would that be?

So I'm in. I'm excited, it gives me something to look forward to for the summer, competition wise, and it'll keep me honest where my training is concerned. Like I said, my newfound love for weight training is fine, but I need to keep up with the running. I don't have a pool, so I'll need to work out the details for that, but I think the park district will be a fine solution.

Yay triathlon!

Posted by Erin at 07:51 PM | | filed under: Training

I have a little announcement to make, and thought I'd share with all of you good folks.

My thyroid is OK, I guess. I'm back on medication. More tests in eight weeks. I'll return to our regularly scheduled blogging very soon.

Posted by Erin at 12:41 AM | | filed under: Random

Guess who's trainer made her double the weight she's bench pressing and use the real bench press bar?

I had been benching using a 40-lb. bar - the kind with the weights already attached - but today as I whipped through a set of those, my trainer said, "No way, missy. That's crap. Get over here." After three presses with the bar, sans weights, she said, "Clearly I underestimated you," and stuck 10-lbs. on the end of each side of the bar.

Now I know in theory bench pressing 75 pounds isn't a big deal, but trust me it feels like a big deal. At least it is to me. I've never been able to lift that much, and my weights are increasing every week. At some point I'm going to have to stop saying that I hate weight lifting because it's the majority of what I'm doing in the gym and I, well, I love it. Lifting weights, and seeing how it's transforming my body, is giving me an appreciation for what my body can do in a way that losing all that weight didn't do.

Here's the thing: losing weight made me thinner, and it uncovered a whole slew of body image issues I wasn't really prepared for. Lifting weights has shown me something new to try and love about my body, as opposed to hating or feeling self-conscious or apologetic for not taking up as much room anymore.

I feel strong. I am strong. I have a real bicep muscle! Look at that!

I lost another pound last week, and that was with my period. I'm still watching my diet pretty closely, though yesterday was an eating bacchanalia with things such as french toast sticks and fried chicken. Honestly, nearly everything I ate yesterday touched hot oil at some point. I'm paying for it today, but it was a nice treat. I weighed in at 141 pounds in case you're playing along at home.

The ear infection really curtailed my running efforts last week. I ended up staying at home sick for two days, and when I tried to do the cardio climb of death, my ears plugged up and I started hacking. I kept away from any serious cardio until this morning. And my thyroid issue is making me exhausted, so I'm not running on top of everything else.

If it was warmer out I'd be more irritated but since it's still cold here in Chicago, I'm not losing sleep.

Posted by Erin at 07:37 PM | | filed under: Training

Oy.

So remember back in January my levels had dropped to 3.34? No? OK, well, they did. Down from 6.682. Guess where they are now?

5.84. You'll note that the high end of the considered normal range is 3.0. I was so close, wasn't I?

At least I know I wasn't crazy for feeling as though something was up. I'm telling you, folks, no one knows your body better than you, and if you think something is amiss, go with your gut. My levels certainly aren't as high as they were a year ago, but they got pretty frickin' high in just four months. I'll call my doctor tomorrow, we'll try a new medication, I'll get tested after three months, ascertain how I'm feeling, and then I'll do some serious thinking about what my next move should be. I won't keep doing this for the rest of my life. We need to figure out a game plan for taking care of this.

I'm still pretty exhausted, but I'm keeping up. I haven't worked out since Monday, but that's because of the whole ear infection thing, nothing else. I'll be in the gym tomorrow as I think the worse has passed. I won't be doing 90 minutes of kickboxing again, but, you know, lifting and the cardio death circuit. I'm hoping the ear infection won't interrupt as it has been, but I can work through that and I'm pretty certain it's clearing up.

I'm looking forward to a nice, long, hard, sweaty workout.

In other news, I lost another pound. That's five pounds in the four weeks since I've kicked up my lifting routine, and in spite of the elevated thyroid levels. I weigh myself once a week and that's what it's saying. Even without the scale, I can feel that lose in my jeans. Nothing is tight anymore, which is nice now that it's warmer.

I really didn't want to buy all new summer clothes. My closet taunts me no more!

Admittedly I know that in light of what the elevated thyroid has done that I've been pushing myself extra hard. I won't say that the weight gain and the exhaustion hasn't been a motivator to keep at it, even on the days I don't wanna. But my health has become really important to me and it's worth the effort if takes to keep me healthy. And it sucks that it takes that much effort but I can't change that. Only continue to work at it.

But I have to tell you: I'd be really happy with a pill that would bring me back down to normal.

UPDATE: Ugh. Unlike in the past, my doctor wants me in her office. I got a call from her nurse this afternoon, as opposed to the doc herself, and she requested an in-person follow-up. Is an endocrinologist in my future? I don't know why this makes me so nervous, though it's probably a really good thing as a specialist might help nail down why my levels are fluctuating.

Anyone else experience this? Drop me an email.

Posted by Erin at 09:38 PM | | filed under: Thyroid, Schmyroid

I'm at home sick - I'm cursed with horrible allergies, which lead to a really sexy case of acute otitis media, a condition more commonly found in kids but lucky me, I have a severe case of now, which lead to medicine that has left me with insomnia, the shakes, dry mouth and throat, but is starting to help with the aforementioned ear infection, but has all of the earmarks of a nasty chest and head cold in the meantime - and watching daytime television just now.

The latest Jenny Craig commercials came on, featuring Queen Latifah.

Is it just me or does she seem painfully awkward in those spots? I had to get up and leave the living room it was so terrible to watch. This is a woman who was nominated for an Oscar so it's not like she can't act. It's almost as if she's mortified they're making her say those words for that awful campaign. "Size Active." Lord in heaven. You can be active at ANY size, JC.

Honestly, it's as though she's figured out how lame the whole thing is and is just gritting her teeth through it.

Posted by Erin at 10:03 AM | | filed under: Random

I haven't done much running since the Shamrock Shuffle at the end of March. I attribute all this to injuring my IT band, having a pole dropped subsequently dropped onto my foot after I healed, and then a huge surge of interest in weight training.

You all know I've been lifting all winter. With the new routine devised by my trainer, and four lifting sessions per week, I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm seriously considering taking pictures of my arms for you. I'm not sure what clicked - and it wasn't the new muscle definition as that's only a recent development - but I've gotten really into strength training.

But I've always defined myself as a runner. Not a fast runner - though it's true I've gotten faster by no real effort on my part, other than I've just been at this a while - or a competitive runner - though it's true I'm always looking to lap someone out there - but a runner nonetheless. After discovering for myself last year the joys of running outside, running indoors on a treadmill was the worst experience ever. Completely took the joy out of the one thing that brought me the most joy.

And I'll tell you that me and my fancy running gear were ready to run outdoors this winter had Chicago not been hit with one of the worst winters we have ever had. I've lived here all my life. I don't remember it ever being that cold or icy or snowy.

All this is to say that I'm out of the habit of running. I'm thankful I was able to find something else to occupy my workout time with - again, for real, I'm actually strong for the first time in my life - but it's warming up again and it's time to get back to running. The thing is, I don't want to abandon my weight training whatsoever. In fact, we're adding on a fifth day of training. All that plus an hour of hard cardio kickboxing mixed in there and it doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for running.

Running has always been my main form of exercise and I've always approached it as such. It just happened to make me happy, too. but now my focus has shifted, and my exercise is in the gym, lifting weights and grunting up a stupidly high incline, sweating buckets. So now I suppose I need to view running as less of a measure of exercise, and more something I do on the side a few times a week. And for as much as I love lifting now, I really don't want to lose the running ability.

How do you balance all of this you athletes out there? I know this means that my ability to run long distances may be compromised - though let's be honest, I've never been interested in more than six miles at a click anyway - but does that matter?

This week I'm going to make myself get out there at least three times to get back in the swing of things, even if it's at a slow pace.

In other news, I went in on Friday for more thyroid testing. When I hear something, you'll hear too.

Posted by Erin at 09:55 AM | | filed under: Training

Today I took off out of work early to visit my grandmother who is the hospital. She is OK, though like anyone who is 86, there is only so much OK you can be. She knows it. She'll be there another night. I'll see her next weekend.

"This getting old business is for the birds," she leaned over and whispered to me today.

To be fair, this is a lady who last week was mowing her own yard with a push mower. Gas powered, but still. My grandmother is in such great shape, we should all be so lucky.

Here is the thing: when I talked to her the other day, days before she was in the hospital, she told me that my dad, JP, had told her that I was "as thin as you've ever been," she said. "He said you really look terrific." I sorta hemmed and hawed in response, not knowing what to say. In an attempt to put my personal politics about words such as "thin" completely aside, there was no choice for me to take that as anything other than a compliment, no matter how much I wanted to protest. "Oh, Gram, I just eat well and take care of myself is all." And it's true. I really do. But in those instances such a response just feels like a code word for "Seriously. I'm still so fat."

As soon as I'd walked into her room today, we talked for about two minutes before her face lit up like a Christmas tree and she said, "You really do look beautiful honey. You really are so thin." And I can assure you, I didn't have to worry about my complicated feelings about language to know that she wasn't reinforcing any ideas about feminine ideals or that I'd finally lived up to some expectation of beauty. She simply saw a happy and healthy me. A person who, yes, is thinner now, but who looks better as a result of a healthier lifestyle. The look on her face was so pure and unadulterated - like she was caught off guard - and she was just happy that I looked good.

Sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in the idea that I have to apologize for what I've done - because others didn't do it, couldn't do it, or chose not to - that I have to laugh. It's OK to be happy because I am healthy now. It's OK to be pleased with my appearance. It's OK to be proud, even, for having lost weight and continued to improve my body. Once in a while, it's OK to let your grandmother compliment you for being thinner than you've ever been and not feel like you're betraying any particular ideals - yours or anyone else's.

Posted by Erin at 10:50 PM | | filed under: Random