February 2008 archives

My butt. It hurts. So much.

Clearly my inability to walk correctly is God's way of telling me I need to do squats and lunges more than once a month. I swear, my upper body is looking just lovely from all of the upper body lifting I've been doing. I am going to shoot for two days of this stuff starting next week.

So my entry from a few days ago should probably be explained, but I don't wanna. I felt as though it was necessary to share how ugly it still gets in my head sometimes. Not to pretend that everything is all accepting and perfect over here. What set it off was, indeed, a series of unflattering pictures combined with an initially unexplained weight gain of seven pounds. In five days. I knew that it was irrational to think it was a permanent sort of weight gain, but still. You start seeing evidence that you're creeping back into the 150s again after a year and it would set you off, too. Especially since without maintenance, the 180s and 190s aren't too far behind.

It doesn't happen that fast, mind you, but you get the idea.

Thankfully - or un-thankfully, actually - I've actually been suffering from a wretched case of digestion issues, the result of a diet that doesn't include really any breads or grains and me running out of fiber supplements. My weight is returning back to normal, and I'm feeling less like a frat boy and more like myself. So yes, it was an easily explainable situation, and maybe one, had I calmed down a second earlier, would have reasoned out. Just the same, I'm not going to beat myself up for freaking out since, you know, it happens.

You know my motto: move on.

Have a great weekend! I'm off to work and then yoga later tonight!

Posted by Erin at 07:24 AM | | filed under: Ouch

The lovely Sarah at Peanut Blog & Jelly needs your help!

Sarah is my kinda gal - she started out in an effort to lose some weight but woke up to something bigger: the awesomeness of running. Now Sarah has gone from couch potato to a marathon runner and triathlete.

In fact, now she's a finalist to be a member of a sponsored triathlon team! But she needs your votes and only has until tomorrow to make that happen. Click on over to her site to learn more!

As for me? I'm off to the gym. I've been REALLY good about getting into the gym for running and weights before work, and it's been making a huge impact on my productivity all day long. Plus, you know, it's out of the way should I want to go to places like this for dinner. Which I may be doing in the near future.

Mmmmm. Cheese plate ...

Posted by Erin at 07:23 AM | | filed under: Inspiration

Some days I think I have this whole body image issue licked - or at least pummeled into submission - and other days I wake up to see a series of pictures of myself wherein I closely resemble a frat boy off of a month-long bender. Bloated and corpulent, sweaty and disheveled. I want to make out with Vince Vaughn, not look like him.

Sigh.

I have perspective. I do. I have to or I'll go off the deep end. I'm more concerned about how unhealthy I look. I've always had a very full face and, from a side perspective, it isn't the most flattering angle of me. I've accepted that. What I can't abide is looking like a hot mess.

It all upsets me. I can't deny that it doesn't. I have very strong, visceral reactions to changes in my appearance, and deviations therein have a tendency to throw me into overdrive. I have to be careful that it doesn't border on obsession because I'm having an off day.

For as much as I say -and believe - that there are worse things than being fat, I know that once I start looking unhealthy, the depression and panic attacks aren't too far behind. And fat is usually an indicator of that for me, and that's just no good.

Ah well. Always the struggle.

Posted by Erin at 03:24 PM | | filed under: Ouch

I bought a bike!

Well, my dear friend, Sarah, is off to New York City next week - she's a talented dancer and has been accepted into a dance troupe there, and we will miss her to pieces - and she sold me her bike for $50. I'd been going back and forth about a new bike - mine bit the dust many eons ago yet I still rode her sporadically. It was a heavy, wretched mountain bike. I always loved riding but I hated riding it.

Enter The Falcon!

I work only five miles from home and, as it happens, in one of the country's most bike-friendly cities. It helps when your mayor is an avid cyclist himself. I've been itching to look into buying a decent bike to use as a commuter, not a racer, because the idea of riding 10 miles a day, just as a mode of transportation, pleases me to no end. That said, I'm on a serious mission to save every penny I earn into my retirement and in investments, which means I don't leave much wiggle room for extra spending.

So when Sarah sent out an email saying she was selling her purple Falcon road bike, I was all over it. I picked it up today and the best part? Immediately took it over to Rapid Transit to get new handlebars - upturned, to make it commuter-friendly - and a tune up in time for the warm weather. I got it in before the rush and so I'll be good to go when the temps rise again.

All I need now is a helmet and a basket.

There's no excuse for me not commuting to work by bike - my office has private showers, locker room and a towel service at my office so I've got the place to clean up. While it certainly cost me a few extra bucks for the handlebars and tune up, for the same amount of money I wouldn't have gotten nearly as good of a bike and the money it'll save me in gas and CTA passes will more than pay for it.

This year I've learned that I am truly a warm-weather fitness person. I am inspired by the sunshine to go out and play in it. I will get in the gym but I won't feel nearly as happy and joyful afterwards, no matter how good of a work out I get in. This has been a tough winter, though, and I'm happy to have something like this to look forward to once this ice all finally melts.

Posted by Erin at 12:42 AM | | filed under: Random

I think over the past several months - every since my weight dropped to 138 pounds, actually - it's been pretty clear that a majority of my navel-gazing-type writing has been squarely focused about learning to accept my body.

It's funny what a big realization "goal weight" can be when you're standing in the mirror, looking at yourself in this body, finally weighing what The Man says you're supposed be weighing, and you still think you look just hideous.

Actually, it wasn't funny at all. It scared the ever-loving shit out of me. While I'm perfectly aware of the fact that 138 pounds on a woman who is 5'2 is certainly nothing to be concerned about - I'm at a perfectly healthy weight, obviously - what is disconcerting is that I'm at a healthy weight. What had happened to me that I'd actually stare at myself, as healthy and active and glowing as I'd ever been, and absolutely hate what I saw?

The other day, my boyfriend was standing over me - I was sitting on the edge of a chair and he was standing directly next to me - and bent down to kiss me. He grabbed my face in his hands right after and said, "Jeez. You really have the most beautiful skin. You're such a pretty lady." He wasn't kidding and he didn't say any of this with a sing-song voice. It was sincere, in the moment and he meant every word. He does this a lot. About all sorts of different parts of my body.

(Minds. Leave the gutter.)

I wanted to be able to see myself the way I knew he sees me. There was no reason to continue to behave as though I hadn't earned the break from the self-flagellation. I wanted to feel good about myself, to see myself as attractive. To not waste time thinking about what I should look like as opposed to liking how I do.

Conflicting for me has always been the fact that while I'm making earnest steps to accept my body, I'm incredibly proud of the weight that I've lost over the years. Losing weight gave me a life I didn't think I could have, and even still with the body image battle I do, I am way more comfortable in this smaller body than I was when I was 188 pounds.

That's simply a personal perspective, nothing more, nothing less. I know I sound incredibly harsh when I talk about rejecting the notion of food having control over me, and I'd like to reiterate that I'm not talking about those who struggle with an addiction or other serious conditions that can't be dealt with by simply deciding that you won't let food have power over you. I'm not naive or insensitive. I understand that. For me, understanding that I didn't have an addiction or psychological issue that had me struggling with food, as much as it was me being a product of a society that conditions women not to trust themselves. That was key.

I'm always going to be a strong advocate for women choosing for themselves what path is best for them, rather than choosing to demonize anyone's decision to lose weight, gain weight or neither. I believe you can exist in a happy body image while following South Beach Diet. I believe you can cultivate a lot of personal joy and fulfillment that has nothing to do with a sugar rush while eating a box of Twinkies. I think you can exercise for an hour a day and not hate yourself. I believe these things are possible if we stop giving into our baser, female instincts to search and destroy our fellow ladies.

Women who've never had an ounce of excess fat on their bodies feel as inferior as the women who are fat and if I hear one more fat woman belittle the body image struggle of the thin woman I will pop her one. It's not doing anyone a bit of good.

This is all my way of saying that My Biggest Girl Crush Mo has the most touching post I've read on this issue and for those of you still struggling, too, it's worth your time read the post, the reader comments and the response post.

Posted by Erin at 01:52 PM | | filed under: Random

You guys, did I mention that I hate winter?

Right after my last post, I managed one outdoors run (two miles, nothing major) and it was exhilarating and wonderful and exciting and everything I love about running that I've missed so much since winter arrived and I was telling myself, "You can handle this! It's not that cold anymore!"

And do you know what happened?

It got super cold again. And then it was warmer and things melted but I wasn't able to go running but I promised that I'd go back out the day after but then it got SUPER SUPER cold and froze over all that water and now the entire TOWN is covered in a sheet of ice.

I am so mad I could scream. I just can't run in this shit. I can't.

So I'm back inside, on a treadmill like a rat, and I hate it. It drives me nuts! It's boring! It's stuffy! It stinks in there! I get self-conscious about all of the gas I inevitably pass because I love black beans!

Anyway. Ahem.

I slacked off for about a week on the weights but I'm back at it. Honestly, I am so bundled up and dressed for comfort that I couldn't tell you whether or not it's making a difference. I haven't stepped on a scale in weeks and most I can figure is that I haven't gained anything. Nothing is too tight, nothing is too big. Everything is just right. I still hate lifting but I am convinced that it'll pay off come summer when I'm more active and in need to muscles to ... I don't know. Maybe push something. Or lift something.

This morning I ran three, 10:54-minute miles. I originally thought I was doing 11-minute, but I realized that the 5.7 setting is closer to just under 11. That pleases me. I sent Scott a text to share this good news and he replied by telling me that during his run this morning, he did four, nine-minute miles. Because he is a show-off. I am trying to convince him that he needs to come out this summer and race with me but so far he is not convinced.

In other news, I want a cookie.

Posted by Erin at 01:53 PM | | filed under: Random

Seriously, I hate winter. I want to kick it in the shins.

I don't want to work out, I don't want to ... do anything but sleep. Well, and go out with my boyfriend. We had such a fun-filled weekend, filled with awesome food and friends. In lieu of sunlight, laughter is a good anecdote to the cold.

I made my favorite comfort dish at the end of the week - a WW-inspired Shepherd's Pie. It's pretty much just ground turkey, yellow squash, zucchini, diced tomatoes and kidney beans, topped with a very thin layer of potatoes - like a cup. You can barely see the potatoes but it provides enough creamy texture that you don't notice. Then I sprinkle some reduced-fat cheese. It's the sort of dish that keeps me sane while at the same time giving me that comfortable full belly feeling that is so nice this time of year.

So the Shamrock Shuffle is around the corner. This year I'm ramping things up a bit. While I haven't been running regularly these past two months, I think it's safe to start training at an intermediate level. Today is Day One a three-mile run and strength training. I'm going to go ahead and run outside tonight. See how it goes.

I just really miss running outside so much!

Posted by Erin at 01:43 PM | | filed under: Random

No, OK, I'm kidding, but last night's spinning class felt like it could have been my 7th grade sockhop there was so much 80s glam metal going on in there. Surprisingly, I don't mind it that much. This particular instructor is just the kind of instructor I like - hard, but reasonable about recovery - and at least it's not all techno dance that I can't sing along to in my head.

Still, when I did my lifting session afterwards, I set my iPod to The Weepies.

I've been recuperating from a particularly hard work out last Thursday, when I did an hour's worth of lower body work, combined with 20 minutes of farklets on the treadmill. I limped around in some serious pain until Sunday I decided that the only answer was some Bikram.

So that's what I did. It was just what the doctor ordered for my very sore muscles. It ended up being one of the best practices I've had in months. I was so inspired by the class and my mindset that I bought a five-day pass. Of course, there is no guaranteeing that this Sunday will be the same blissful experience, but I know that going into it, which is what is so challenging about Bikram in the first place, and why it's such a lovely experience to take with you into your daily life.

I was able to cop a spot right in front, at the mirror, where I was subjected to my less-than-perfect form for 90 minutes as it struggled through pose-after-pose, sweat dripping everywhere, and it occurred to me that the only way to get through it, to do well, would be to look myself straight in the eye, and not wander and focus on my partially spandex-clad body with all of its imperfections. If I focus on the negative, I'll never break my way through to the positive.

There are so many knowns and unknowns that can hurt our efforts, but mostly if we let them. So I spent Sunday doing my best to shake off my insecurities about my body and rejoice in the fact that I got through every pose without having to sit out, knowing I did my very best and I'd be rewarded with legs and a back end that hurt less than they did 90 minutes earlier.

And they did.

Posted by Erin at 01:48 PM | | filed under: Training

I've gotten some really kind and sweet emails in regards to the "No Pudge" entry.

One, though, kind of bothered me:

"Aren't you ever scared when you can sit there and eat 5 fudge brownies? I've lost a 100 pounds and maintained it for several years......but I think I will always be afraid that I'm going to find that 100 pounds again ... Every time I think about restricting my diet even slightly I start salivating over...., well, pretty much anything. Because I know that it would be all too easy to go back. And that's a pretty scary thought."

Hell no, I am not scared. For a few reasons:

1) I've learned not to let food have that sort of emotional control over me anymore, and not let eating five brownies one night derail me. Even if they were real fudge brownies it's silly for me to buy into the idea for even one second that I'm going to somehow lose that much faith in myself that I'd "go back."
2) Food isn't something to be scared of. It's not going to hack off your leg in the middle of the night or beat you senseless. Food is only scary if you assign it that sort of worth.
3) Putting on a few pounds is not the end of the world. I'm not trying to turn this into a fat acceptance blog over here by any means, but for God's sake, ladies: There are worse things to be than fat. Say this again with me: There are worse things to be than fat. Sure, the world treats fat people differently, and it's patently unfair, but I can name about ten things I'd rather not be - sick, unemployed, broke, held captive, Republican - and fat is not one on that list.

And just to further my point? And one I wasn't going to share until I got this email? I stepped on the scale this morning and I actually lost two pounds this week. You're not going to undo all the work you did by eating five brownies. It just doesn't work that way.

It isn't that I don't understand how difficult weight loss is to maintain, and that maintenance calls for us to be pretty mindful of what we're doing, but at what point do we stop buying into the notion that we're somehow powerless over food? I'm not talking about those folks who truly struggle with an addiction. Not at all. I'm talking to people who are like me, who spent way too many years giving way too much lip service and time to food.

If you've lost weight - I don't care if it's 10 pounds or 100 - then you already know you're not powerless over food so why keep wasting your brain space by telling yourself that you are?

Posted by Erin at 02:41 PM | | filed under: Random

I wish like hell there was something more effective, and easier on the butt, than lunges and squats but I know that there is not. I just end up walking around for at least two days afterwards looking as though I've endured a horrible car wreck.

Seriously. Ouch. My butt hurts.

Posted by Erin at 02:46 PM | | filed under: Ouch