January 2008 archives

... I made an entire pan of them tonight. I had a box in my pantry, I dug it out, threw in the nonfat vanilla yogurt, and ... BAM! Brownies.

I think I've had five brownies already. I don't even rationalize this sort of eating anymore - all of the working out I've been doing doesn't cancel out the desire to eat five brownies. It might thwart some of the damage that consuming that much sugar can do, but my lifting and running this afternoon doesn't all of a sudden make them righteous brownies.

This still happens is what I'm saying. I've kept off almost 50 pounds and I still get these nights. These nights - when I've been trudging in the snow and cold and muck for almost two days and all I want to do is dive into some brownies. It wasn't because I was still hungry after dinner, or that I was emotional about something, or stressed. I just wanted a big ol' pile of brownies.

Why am I telling you this? Why does it matter?

Because I think we still shame ourselves into a corner when it comes to eating. I think those of us who have been in what they call "maintenance" for some time flip panic buttons when we eat too much of a good thing. As if we ought to. As if listening to our bodies telling us we want something like brownies once in a while is a bad thing. So we tell ourselves we earned it, or we worked off the calories, and we think we need to take part in this mental exercise in order to assuage the guilt we're told we should feel.

Do you know how not guilty I feel right about now?

It's just food, you know. It might give me a sugar crash later, and it might make sleep a little uneasy tonight, and God knows it's really not an optimal choice for someone trying to watch it with her thyroid, but it's just food. Tomorrow I'll wake up and, God willing, it will have calmed down enough outside to take my dog for a walk in the snow. And we'll get back and I'll have my little bowl of Grape Nuts with soy milk - Try the high-fiber vanilla Silk, people! I picked it up accidentally but it is really good stuff! - and then some coffee. Later on, I'll have some carrots and the lean pork chop I slow-cooked the other day, and probably an apple. And then I'll go and run for about 45 minutes before heading home for the night.

I really don't know what I'm going to do for dinner but I imagine it'll involve soup.

My only point is that we have to have enough respect for ourselves, enough trust in ourselves, not to listen to the voices we've been socialized to hear - the ones that cause us to ignore our better judgment, the ones that have us falling off proverbial wagons, eating toxic foods for a period of time, and then latching on to yet another diet, spending our hard-earned money on boring things like pre-packaged meals instead of manicures and CDs and tickets to plays. We allow ourselves to be ashamed for eating a few extra brownies, and instead of just letting them be a night of extra brownies, we decide that they've become symbolic of how we constantly "fail."

It's not failure to want to eat some cheese fries. It's not a failure if you do. It's only failure if you've let yourself believe that eating them means you don't have the courage or strength to continue to take care of your body.

I guess I write this down for me, too. After years of chastising myself for those nights of eating in bacchanalian fashion, when I'd subsequently label myself a fat loser, and continue to berate myself into a bag of Cheetos, I still struggle with the voices that tell me that a night of some extra brownies means I might as well throw in the towel when it comes to taking care of myself.

This, of course, makes no sense. Especially when you figure how much I love to run. How much I love kickboxing. I still don't love the weight lifting, but I've been sticking to it! I love working out. Love it so much I would marry it. And while I will probably never actually love a lunch that doesn't include a big turkey bacon sub on Italian bread with extra mayo and a side of jalapeno chips, I know that I feel better because of I'm not eating this way on a regular basis anymore. That's become enough of a reason for me.

So a night of a few brownies on a snowy winter Thursday isn't the worst thing I can do. Or that you could do. Giving up, however, just might be.

Posted by Erin at 08:50 PM | | filed under: Random

Sometimes when I'm working out at my gym, especially in the little room on the second floor, off of the main area, I can't helped but be wigged out by the fact that those wacky Real World Chicago kids confessed there and ... whatever else they did.

I have nothing going on of any interest. I really don't. I'm still lifting weights - can you believe it? - and running and kickboxing and fighting with all of the New Year's resolution folks for space. My running has really been cut short because of this and there is such a lack of treadmills at my gym that it boggles my brain.

In thyroid news, it's been almost two weeks on the new medication and I haven't been unnecessarily exhausted once! I can actually sit on my couch and watch TV and not want to fall into a deep sleep. It's the best feeling in the world.

(I didn't get quite enough emails to open up the comments to a thyroid discussion, and I know that makes me sound like a total shit, but I have just been burned one too many times by creepy commenters. Sorry, all.)

Basically I just feel like I spend the majority of the winter getting by and getting through. It's cold, dark and I would give anything to be spending my mornings outside, running four miles in the sun before work. I can't wait for those days to get here again.

Posted by Erin at 10:59 PM | | filed under: Random

"My life would have been better as a teenager if I had even a small fraction of the self-esteem I have now, and my ideal reader is I guess the teenage me, and I'm trying to convince her she's worth something."

- Monique "Mopie," Big Fat Deal, A Comment That Got Really, Really Long

I don't think you need to please the masses, but hey, when it comes to societal pressures, some people still consider me fat. No matter what I do, I'm always going to struggle in some capacity with finding happy balance between the emotional fucktitude of a culture that has insisted I need to be skinny, with the responsibility I must take for my own actions.

This is why the lovely Monique and her blog, "Big Fat Deal" are two of my very favorite things. I've had the pleasure of spending time with Mo in person, and working with her on Tales, and her talent and compassion are refreshing. Her blog is so important for so many reasons, and she summed up beautifully what I feel like I've been trying to do over here this last year.

Posted by Erin at 08:49 PM | | filed under: Inspiration

It's so hard to stay motivated when you've been sick with a cold for ten out of the past 24 days.

I don't know when I got such a delicate constitution, but there you have it. I'm coming down off yet another cold. As a result, my workouts have been spotty. I trained hard during the days following up to the cold, stay sick for about six days, start up again, repeat. I haven't even bothered to step on the scale (last I checked I think I was at 145), but I do feel awfully bloaty and soft.

This could be due to period issues going on, but I digress.

It's stupendously cold here in Chicago, on top of it all, and there's been snow and slush, and at the end of it, it makes it all hard to want to do anything but crawl back into your footie pajamas at the end of the day with some hot soup and chai tea. I know this is part of the deal of winter, of this time during winter in particular. It's prime hibernating season, and everything in our bodies just yearns for carbohydrates and comfort. All that Vitamin D deficiency wrecks havoc, man.

But, now that the sniffles have subsided, I'm doing my best to fight back. The eating quality has been fine (probably could use some more fruits and vegetables, but I chalk that up to being sick and only wanting chicken soup), but it's the workouts that are suffering. Again, the whole being sick the majority of the month contributes, but I have to get right back up on that horse or fall victim to the dreaded winter blues.

They say you need to schedule your workouts like you do any appointment, so that's what I've done. I have a gym at work that I've been using, in addition to the gym I belong to, and I'm hoping that adding things like "Weights - noon" into my Treo, with repeating schedule and alarm, I'll treat these sessions with the same attention I do any other meeting or social engagement.

Especially since I've just agreed to do this.

That's right. An ultramarathon. Thirty-one miles of love.

Please understand, I'm not running this whole thing. No way, no how. My friends don't plan on running the whole thing. Hell, I doubt I'm even going to finish. I fully expect to clock in at 13-, 14-minute paces, if not longer, considering I plan on walking a great deal of it. But it's one of those things that no one in their right mind (unless they've trained hard core for such a thing) expects to finish. But my friends are going out to do something fun together, to spend an April Saturday outdoors, and that's it.

Finishing, thankfully, is not the point.

But still, 31 miles is a hike, and if I run/walk even half of that we're talking a half-marathon. It'll be quite a day.

So, winter doldrums and excuses have no place here. None at all.

Posted by Erin at 07:30 AM | | filed under: Random

OK, everyone. I can't keep up with everyone's emails about The Thyroid.

But I feel like you all want some place to congregate. If I open up at least one entry, would you want to chat with each other? Find out what you have in common? Exchange emails? I hate opening up my comments because - gah - one asshole is one too many but I feel like you guys are looking for ladies to chat with, and some of you have stuff going on that I can't totally relate to, though I wish I could help.

If I get about ten emails asking me to do it, I'll open up an entry to comments so you all can get in touch with each other. If not, I'll go about the regular business of this site. Email me at erin0420 at gmail.com and after ten emails, I'll open up the comments.

Deal?

Posted by Erin at 11:05 PM | | filed under: Random

One of the things that happens when you write a weight-loss/health/fitness/body issue blog as long as I have is that you stumble upon Web sites that make you ... well, sad. Not where you feel pity for them, just sad. Sad that the state of the world is as such where women constantly feel so at odds with their bodies that they starve themselves down to a state where they think they're finally acceptable.

They're not sleeping, they're hungry, they're emotional, their loved ones are worried ...

I used to pity these sorts of women. Think they weren't enlightened. Think they were sheep. Stupid. Shallow. I don't think that anymore. If not for a few key, parental interventions here and there, we all could be the sort of woman torturing herself into a size zero. Eating only 300 calories a day, burning off 500 in the gym.

Those who look down on these women? You are no better. You are no more intellectual. You are no more healthy.

If you think you're above that sort of self-torture, you're deluded and no longer in touch with your humanity, and, let me just put this out there, so anti-woman you ought to turn in your club card to the feminist movement. The moment you turn your back on these women is the moment you decide that the very voices who influence these women to act in such a fashion have won out.

You cannot be a member of the Westernized society and not, in some part, have been affected by the idea that your body is not good enough. Some people just get out a little less scathed than others.

That said, I want to share something with all of you that my dear friend, Carissa, shared with me a couple of months ago. Take it to heart with you this week as you go about things. Really.

Posted by Erin at 08:37 PM | | filed under: Inspiration

So usually when I post something about the thyroid stuff, I subsequently get several emails asking me for follow up - what meds I take, when, what supplements, what I eat, etc.

Hypothyroidism is sort of this weird condition wherein a few of the symptoms are universal (for the most part) but the solution varies vastly. Medication helps for the most part, but in what amount? And should you wait a half-hour or an hour before eating breakfast after you take your daily little pill? Are there certain foods I shouldn't eat? Should eat?

For me, as it is with anything, I do lots of research. Part of that reaction is due to my training - I'm a reporter by nature, so I'm always inclined to try and suss out as much information as I can. When I was diagnosed, I Googled like a mad woman and then bought two massive books on the subject. Here's the thing: your doctor can only do so much for you. He or she has dozens and dozens of patients and won't always take the time to chart out a detailed plan for you.

In an ideal world, they would. They just won't always be able to.

So it's up to you to pay close attention to your body and figure out when things are related to the hypothyroidism or not. Chart, track, research, tinker. When I hit my 20s, I started having horrible migraines. At least once a month. Since I started taking my thyroid medication in June? I've only had one. And migraines apparently can be symptomatic of hypothyroidism. When I break it down to why I had the one I did? I had been sick as a dog and coming off of the holiday season where the cheese, breads and refined sugars were plentiful ...

... and because I've figured out that eating these things make simply feeling normal a more arduous task, I don't eat them. Which was another tip I learned from the research. The pills alone don't do the job. They help tremendously - without a doubt. But your body's ability to function at nearly every level is compromised by the condition so you need to help it wherever you can.

I'd rather suffer through a world without crusty bread than one that includes migraines. The pills help with the migraines, I help with the digestion.

Anyone with hypothyroidism who's learned this fundamental will tell you that. Now I've heard from a few of you that the brand-name synthetic - Synthroid is what it's called, the generic is simply levothyroxine sodium - has shown a remarkable difference in how you feel. I'm hoping it will for me, too! The symptom that has really given me the most trouble, the one I can't seem to lick no matter what I do, is the exhaustion. I get no less than eight hours of sleep every night. I eat well, exercise, take vitamins ... I'm still pooped. Some days, all I will do is sleep.

Since my numbers are still on the high-end of normal, I'm hoping the increased dosage, and name-brand prescription (which doubled in cost, BTW), will help. I'd give my eye teeth not to doze off as soon as I sit on a couch or let my mind relax. It's insane. I used to think it was just me until I was told exhaustion is one of the most common symptoms you can have.

ANYWAY ...

Since I know how frustrating it can be to find little-to-no information about things, I'll share some of the things I've found to be successful in my treatment, with the caveat that it might not work for you!

Posted by Erin at 09:22 AM | | filed under: Random

Spoke with my doctor yesterday. She's encouraged by the results, and says that as long as I keep with the diet and exercise, I shouldn't worry much about my cholesterol.

It'll just be something we continue to monitor.

She's also increasing the dosage of my thyroid medication and switching me to the brand-name version. Because I trust her and thinks she's the cat's pajamas, I'm going with it. We're hoping the increase takes care of the whole exhaustion thing a bit better.

I would just like to be able to eat a piece of bread now and again without feeling that it's taking all of the will in the world to digest the sucker.

I'm excited to start taking the new dosage tomorrow, which, upon saying that, makes me officially an old lady.

Yesterday I worked out so hard and got so much exercise I'm surprised I'm not hobbling all over the place. I spent 40 minutes lifting at work (we have a private little gym in the building) and immediately after work hit a 45 minute cardio kickboxing class. Then there was all of the walking I did. I slept like a baby.

Today? Another 40 minutes of lifting here at work and the a three-mile run tonight. Probably at the gym because it's colder than all get out here and I'm not fond of being any more uncomfortable than necessary.

Tonight when I get home, it'll be one long evening of cooking - turkey meatloaf and BBQ turkey meatballs. I'm salivating at the thought.

Posted by Erin at 11:41 AM | | filed under: Random

"It could have been quite a different book had I actually spent six whole years on a Jenny Craig-esque regime:

Day 976: Chicken cacciatore. KILL ME!"

-Shauna, Diet Girl, Modus Operandi

Congrats, my lovely friend! You kick ass and take names. You're tote-leh oarsome.

Posted by Erin at 02:53 PM | | filed under: Inspiration

So I finally went last week and was retested to see if the medicine I've been on to treat my hypothyroidism has had any effect.

Well, most certainly.

My TSH levels, when I was originally tested, clocked in at 6.682, which made them waaaaay over the accepted limit. This was the number that clued my doctor in to my condition. Now? Now that number is 3.34. This means they're still on the high end of acceptable, something I'll go over with my doctor. Can we get those levels lower? I don't know. Here's to hoping. I'd like to see it lower as I know that some people test in this number range before treatment and are eventually diagnosed as hypothyroid, even though their condition isn't as severe as mine.

But there is another number that concerns me much more. My cholesterol. One of the things that hypothyroid causes is a really high cholesterol. Heart disease doesn't run in my family (to my knowledge, anyway), but I'd really hate to be the one to start that trend. Especially since it does run in my boyfriend's family and we do want to have kids together some day.

When I was tested in May, my total cholesterol came in at 245. According to the American Heart Association, this puts me at "more than twice the risk of coronary heart disease as someone whose cholesterol is below 200 mg/dL." Do you know what it is now?

242.

That's right. Still dangerously high.

When you break down my HDL (good) and LDL (bad) cholesterol numbers, the numbers are more encouraging. In May, my HDL test came in at 82. The preferred number for that is anything greater than 40. So, right there, I'm an overachiever. Last week's results showed they've gotten even higher, coming in at 96. My LDL, both back in May and now - at 116 and 117, respectively - are still OK, falling in under the acceptable level of less than 130.

My triglycerides also showed a major improvement - in May? In May the number was 232. Now? 152. A HUGE improvement. And, according to the accepted levels, just two points shy of the normal range.

Still, that total cholesterol number worries me. I'm encouraged by the small numbers, but it's worth discussing with my doctor this week what I need to do to address that high number. What can I do? I feel like I already eat one of the most controlled diets imaginable. Would the month of Christmas eating caused that number? Do I need to monitor more of my foods? Lord, do I really need to regularly take those stupid Omega-3's?

(Don't answer that. I know the answer myself. Sigh.)

So that's it for now. I'm certainly encouraged, and I can't stress enough how important preventative care is. Had I not gone in last year for just a plain ol' physical I would have never have learned all of this. I'll admit that I'm luckier than most because not only do I have good insurance, but also a doctor who thinks to test for these things - you would be shocked by how many women are refused thyroid testing. It's almost criminal. My doctor tested me for it without even telling me; I had no idea to even ask.

Like I said, lucky.

That said, you need to take charge of your own health. Be your own advocate. The best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to learn as much as you can about your body, about its current state, and what you can do to be as healthy as you can both mentally and physically. In know it's not always easy to gain access to this information without paying through the nose, but many communities have clinics and programs you can take advantage of for much smaller fees than a traditional doctor's office might if you don't have the right insurance.

Posted by Erin at 04:31 PM | | filed under: Random

I think one of the reasons I've always hated jumping jacks with an unbridled passion was not because they made me hot and sweaty, but because performing them makes my fat bounce painfully up and down, up and down, up and down.

The do not make a sports bra for the stomach, and if they did, I would wear one to my cardio kickboxing class.

Posted by Erin at 06:47 PM | | filed under: Ouch

People, there is a reason why I write and don't speak, and one listen to The Daily Special will tell you why!

Yeesh. I could not have sounded like more of a dunce today! Thankfully they have editors to clean up my stammering. So if you're here for the first time, yay! Thank you! I represent much better on a blog! Seriously! If the interview isn't up yet, well, it will be soon!

I know what I didn't do a good job of conveying is that I don't have anything against programs like Weight Watchers - I really don't. They help a lot of people get healthier, and lose weight if that's their goal. They certainly introduced me to healthier fare in ways I'd been completely ignorant to before. What I have issue with is that, you know, Weight Watchers is a diet and the current trend is to be "anti-diet" so the way in which they're going to sell you their diet is to convince you that it's not.

And sell is the operative word here.

In the end, any program that has you operating on such restricted amounts of food is a diet. And there is no way that anyone can exist on such a small calorie intake and not go a little nutso at some point. And that, my friends, is a diet.

Anyway, I'm so honored and flattered that I was asked to join The Daily Special today. If you're not a regular reader of Elastic Waist, you're missing out! And is Kimberly not so adorable and awesome? Love it.

Posted by Erin at 08:15 AM | | filed under: Inspiration

Feeling 100% better. Seriously.

I don't know if it was just that the ratio between healthy food and fattier food was out of whack, or that I need to adhere to a stricter eating regime, but in the week it's been since I've resumed a more thyroid-friendly diet, things physically and mentally have been awesome.

I will say, though, that I haven't been able to cut out caffeine from my diet, and I refuse to cut out alcohol. A cup of coffee in the morning keeps the headaches away, and I like a glass of wine or two when I go out. I can live without bread. Not without whiskey.

Today, after a shameful amount of time, I made it back to the doctor for my follow-up tests. I know I should be smacked for waiting so long - I was supposed to have done it 30 days after they discovered my stupendously high levels - but whatever. What's done is done. Scott, bless his heart, woke up early with me today and drove me downtown so I couldn't put it off any longer. He lives with this as much as I do, truth be told.

I don't know that he'd ever say it to me, but at some point, listening to me go on and on about being exhausted, and bloated, and exhausted, and ... did I mention exhausted? has to be an exercise is extreme patience.

They're also checking to see if my cholesterol went down any, and I'm hoping it has but not holding out any hope. I was so, so bad about taking the Omega-3s that I'd be shocked if I made a dent, despite all of my efforts in the diet and exercise department.

The tests should be back in a couple of weeks. I'll check back with the results then.

Anyway, I still haven't set foot in a gym. I'm so irritated by this I could spit, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't worry about absences from the gym like this, I'll get back there, but when this happens, when I got two, three weeks without being in the gym, I wonder why I don't make it a priority so that I fit it in somehow. It's all a direct result of a busy social calendar, not me talking myself out of it.

I was going to run after work yesterday, but then it started raining and lightening, and going to the gym wasn't an option because we had plans. I wanted to this morning, until Scott reminded me we had to go to the doctor. And tonight I'm getting hair done.

Tomorrow morning? I'm there. At 6 a.m. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm volunteering tomorrow night and the night after that so the morning it is.

In other news, the Jimmy John's "unwich" isn't as bad as I'd thought, but when you get to the end, you're reminded that there is nothing in the world as satisfying as the end of a loaf of crusty bread. For real.

Lastly, tune in over at Elastic Waist tomorrow where I'll be a guest on The Daily Special!

Posted by Erin at 02:22 PM | | filed under: Random

My body is going through withdrawal. I think.

As soon as I woke up yesterday, I began the process of cleaning out my system, a detox of sorts, by immediately cutting out all caffeine, sugar, breads, rice, pasta, dairy, alcohol and processed crap. It's been a veritable mountain of clean eating around here, complete with all of the vitamins and recommended supplements.

God I hate taking that many pills. Not including my birth control pills, I'm taking about ten pills a day, plus a Tablespoon of L-carnitine in my morning protein shake. None of it is stuff I haven't taken before - mostly things recommended for hypothyroid care, and nope I'm not gonna share what they are, mostly because sharing what supplements I take can come off like a recommendation and I don't want to be responsible for that - but I still eh, hate it. Not surprisingly, I already feel better.

I only plan on being this strict for a couple of weeks, mostly because it's not particularly practical and is too close to dieting, and also because there are alternatives I can eat that are relatively close to those I shouldn't be, but kinda get in the way of getting myself a little healthier. It's still tough to process dairy, but I know I can work it back in delicately.

More importantly, I haven't stepped on a scale because I want this process to be about feeling better, which I do already. Honestly. The hypothyroid thing causes me such problems digesting carbohydrates that eating only the "good" kinds and eliminating the rest, makes an immediate difference. That needs to be my constant inspiration, not what the scale reads.

I couldn't tell you what I weigh right now. All of my clothes fit, so I doubt it's changed much in the past month or so.

Posted by Erin at 11:27 PM | | filed under: Random