So tonight I had, yet again, another first training session with a personal trainer.

I wonder if I will ever have a trainer stick around long enough to work with me longer than a month or two. There always seems to be so much drama tied up with being a personal trainer - my new one seems no different. He started talking about having only been here five months, being "tired of bullshit" and ... he trailed off. Honestly, it's just as well. Kick my butt and then send me on my way. I don't need to know about your personal life.

But he's a nice guy and a good trainer. VERY into his work. Definitely not one to go through the motions and he seriously kicked my butt. He made me do bicep curls and hammer curls and shoulder pressed with 12.5-pound hand weights and I never use more than 8. I'm not looking forward to the pain I most surely will be in come morning. I'm headed to spinning at 6:30 a.m. since we've got a work party tomorrow night.

One thing that was really different about this session: it was the first time I worked with a trainer where I didn't tell him that I wanted to lose weight. He asked if there was a size I wanted to be in - "Oh God no. I'm so not about to put that on myself." - and if I had a weight goal. I flat out told him that I was done worrying about my weight. Over. Finished. I let him know that I've lost 45 pounds and with the exception of a brief personal crisis in 2006, managed to keep it all off over five years, and that all I really wanted was to start myself on a weight training program and stick with it because it's good for me.

I didn't talk about "still having ten pounds to lose," which I always seem to do, and when he complimented me on the definition in my arms already, I thanked him. And later when he said he couldn't believe I find lifting boring because I was super intense through the whole thing, I laughed and said I hated it but I don't shy away from hard work.

Most importantly, I didn't apologize for things for which I have no business apologizing. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Why should apologize for that? I told Scott that sometimes I feel like I spend my life waiting for the day that I look like the "After" shot because I feel like that's the goal. It's not the goal. The goal is to become someone who works hard and takes care of herself because she values herself. The goal is stop giving a shit if I ever really "lose the buddha" or not, and instead go out and run five miles because I love it.

The goal is to get the fuck over it and just be the "After."

I am trying really hard to live this way, and I won't lie to you when I say it's a constant struggle. I've said before that a healthy body image just seems to be one more thing we women are pressured into possessing or perish. As much as it is a struggle for me not to dive face-first into a plate of cheese fries, it's still tough for me not to beat myself up for caring.

The important part, I guess, is that I try.

Posted by Erin at 09:05 PM | filed under: Training