September 2007 archives

In a culture with so many varying messages being bandied about over what constitutes a healthy self-image, it's difficult to know how to react to hitting a goal weight.

Or at least some arbitrary number that's been implanted into you like some microchip. Some days, I'm not totally unconvinced that the good people at Weight Watchers, back in 2002, didn't do just that.

(Kidding, Weight Watchers corporate people. I know some of you read this space. Hello!)

So yesterday I hit that number, and admittedly I was happy and excited. I've been on some Sisyphean-like journey for five years now, whether I was actively pursuing it or not. That number was always, always there. Just dangling out there. In truth, I never really thought my body would ever hit that number, and for reasons I'm still trying to parse out for myself, I gave "139" a lot more power and importance than perhaps a string of numbers deserves. So when I saw it flashing back at me, my instincts just set off fireworks inside my head.

But it didn't stop me from critically and harshly examining my "fat stomach" in the mirror as I chose an outfit to wear to work yesterday.

I spent the rest of the day wondering when in the hell this will ever stop. I think it's pretty obvious and understood that weight loss will not necessarily keep some of us from ever thinking we're "good enough." While my priorities have certainly shifted - I would keep running and eating well if I weren't losing weight because I am a more productive, adjusted person because of the practice - that desire to be something different remains.

I inherited my mother's body. She was short - 5-feet-even - and an incredibly curvaceous woman. Even at 105 pounds, she was all curve. She's been gone eighteen years, so my memory may be clouded, but I remember her hips pretty exactly - they seemed so round and expansive for such a small woman. And just like her laugh, I inherited those hips, and I see them every day.

My best friend's mom, who was in the bridal suite when we were getting ready for her daughter's wedding two weeks ago, made this comment after I tossed out a comment about being self-conscious about the size of my hips, and debated whether or not to wear one of those Spanx contraptions.

"Girls, women are supposed to have hips," she said, plain as day, and said nothing more.

I put on the Spanx - the generic, Target version - and after five minutes of pure hell and insanity, I took the fucking thing off. What was I doing? There I was, in the best shape of my life, happy and healthy, and I'm still trying to force my body into a shape that's not natural, not what it is, because ... of what?

I'm not going to apologize for having lost weight, or my desire to do so. I'm honestly not actively shooting for another five, 10 pounds, whatever. If it happens, so be it. No woman should ever have to explain herself when it comes to her body and what she chooses to do with it because, you know, her fucking body.

But I am going to apologize to myself for not doing more work to make reaching 139 less important.

Posted by Erin at 11:34 AM | | filed under: Random

OK. Well, that was before I drank a bunch of Gatorade this morning, and before I could get a decent picture. But there you go. I finally, after so, so many years, broke the 140 mark.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was, I'm sorta ashamed to admit, incredibly excited. But you know what? I've been training hard this week, and carefully watching my diet, and my body responded. And considering all of the treats and drinking and fun of the past few weekends, it's sorta amazing.

Now I'm going to go eat breakfast, which includes my boyfriend's cheesy eggs and sausage.

Posted by Erin at 11:55 AM | | filed under: Weigh in

Yikes.

Totally prolific for weeks and then ... poof!

Once again, life is still just really insane. I'm sorting through it all, etc., but I'm only disappearing right now because the rest of my life demands my attention. Here are a few things:

1) I'm starting to get used to being smaller. I've said before that I never got used to being a size 10 before I started to put the weight back on. Well, I'm still a size 10. And now I have several items of clothes that are a size 10. Or a medium. I don't even bother grabbing a size 12 now. Not because of vanity, but because, seriously, it's going to be too big. The biggest danger right now is that all of my good winter work pants are too big and they're going to need some work. I don't know if my tailor can fix them, but I'm hoping. Depending on the cost, of course.

Anyway, it's probably more apt to say that I'm getting less and less scared of being at this size. I'm not so worried anymore about gaining back the weight again. I mean, it might happen - don't get me wrong - it's just not as much of a fear. I trust myself and what's best for me; I take care of myself accordingly. When there is too much indulgence, I counter it with moderation and rest, or moderation and serious ass-busting workouts, which is most applicable for the situation.

This is all very weird for me. Besides, it's just a fucking size.

2) You all need to try the Progresso Light line of soups. I had a cup of the Southwestern Vegetable tonight and holy crap! It was fantastic. Seriously. And not all salty and preservative-tasting, either. Plus, if you're a WW-follower, the soups are all 0 POINTS. Anyway, really good stuff.

3) I'm at 143.5 right now. I'd fret about 3.5 weight gain if I didn't know exactly why it happened. The past two weeks have been chock-filled with weddings and wedding-related activities. Lots of eating and drinking. I didn't exercise all of that much (maybe twice a week), and while I didn't have any binges on cake, there was cake. And cookies. And Doritos. What can I say? I enjoy processed cheese powder.

Now that that's all over, I'm recommitting myself to my old routine, with strict adherence to my diet and exercise plans for a little while. Mostly because my stomach has been a bit of a mess, which means too many breads and the like. My body could use a little detoxing. Tomorrow morning I'm going on a long run, and tomorrow night I'll hopefully hit a yoga class. I've got errands and the like in the afternoon, but other than that, it'll be a slow day so working in a yoga class seems like a good way to round out my mini vacation.

Hope you're all well and happy - I'll try and get back to regular posting soon.

Posted by Erin at 12:37 AM | | filed under: Random