Tonight I was in line at Target, buying various and sundry items, which, by the way, came to a grand total of $20.22, making it, most likely, the least amount of money I've ever walked out of Target spending, and I overheard a young girl ask her mom for some gum.

She was probably 13. Maybe 12. Certainly not much younger or older. She was a little thick in the middle, but it was the sort of weight everyone carries in their middle when they haven't quite hit puberty yet. And she clearly was tall for her age. There was way too much sweetness and eagerness in her eyes, in the tone of her voice, for her to be a full-fledged teenager yet.

"Mom? Can I have some gum," she asked. Her voice was quiet, small and, most notably, sad. "I think it would help me with my cravings."

Her mom didn't react, so it was hard to tell if this request was the result of a mom who's been on her to lose weight, or if it's the byproduct of a culture who asks even of our young girls to spend the final days of their summer vacations tying themselves up in knots over their weight. Of course it really doesn't matter but at that moment I was so sad and angry that it really sucked not to be able to channel some of that rage at somebody.

I looked down at the contents of my basket and wondered if I was her age when it all began, or did it happen later. Was it someone's fault that I stopped riding my bike over to the corner bar to buy Lik-a-Maid and Cow's Tales, or did I make that call on my own? Could someone have known what was happening and intervened, so that the subsequent 20 years wouldn't be spent with me using valuable brain power looking for ways to curb my cravings or was it really all up to me?

I would like to say that I am made of tougher stuff but I am not. Wednesday night, as The Boy and I waited for the bus, a group of very intoxicated men hooted and hollered and attempted to intimidate and make self-conscious a group of women who did nothing more than walk by them on a night out.

With all of the might and power he could muster, The Boy screamed at these men to "Quit being such assholes" because, as he is fond of saying, if guys like him don't let guys like them know that sort of treatment of women isn't tolerated, they'll just keep doing it. And you know what?

I got scared and upset with him for doing it, and for a split second wished he hadn't said a word. I have been that girl - we've all been that girl - and all I've ever wanted to do in those situations was to disappear into the concrete and stone. To not be noticed.

I wanted to not be noticed the other night when he did that, no matter how fleeting the feeling.

Girls who struggle with their weight and their body image learn early on to hide themselves and not be noticed and it's very hard, so hard, to get out of that habit. And we spend time, so much time, apologizing for not being able to make ourselves just disappear.

Posted by Erin at 11:47 PM | filed under: Random