The end

Originally uploaded by ejshea

This is me busting tail to cross the finish line at yesterday's 10K. It is not the prettiest, most flattering picture, but it is me, finding the energy and the determination to cross the finish line at full speed sprint.

On an adjacent photo to this one on my Flickr stream, I mention that I had my boyfriend take pictures of me running this race because for once and for all it's time for me to stop apologizing - in so, so many subtle ways - for continuing to not be some idealized embodiment of dieting and exercise perfection. It's time for me to rather embrace what I have accomplished and what I do instead of waiting for some mythological day when I look as though I stepped off of a Nike ad. It's time for me to be proud and accepting of myself and capture these moments because one day I might not be able to do live them.

Life happens. Things change.

All of this was inspired by something Diet Girl wrote weeks ago, and it's sparked me to have a new appreciation for my life and my body. Last night, Shauna and I talked forever about the pressure to reach The Goal Weight. It's important to have a focus, to be sure, but after having done this for as long as we have, we're beginning to look at the process differently.

I haven't given up on losing some more weight, but it's not the focus it was when I began. I still weigh in, still post about it here every two weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less, mostly because it's a good way to gauge how my body fluctuates during the month and when.

(For instance, in two days, I fully expect to put on about five-six pounds. If last month is any indicator, that is. If I hadn't been paying attention to my body's patterns, that might freak my ass out.)

When I started, it was fun and exciting to look at the number "131" on my Weight Watchers packet because it was the first time someone said I was capable of reaching a goal at all when it came to my weight. Besides, the Diet Gods all use the number on the scale as a way to introduce the concept of setting goals because it's the most tangible. You can't tell someone who hates to get up off of the couch to change the television that her goal needs to be crossing the finish line of a 10K. Not a great business model and a surefire way to lose your customers.

But somewhere along the way you realize that all of our bodies are different and not everyone - whether it's by genetics, choice or lifestyle - can be At Goal. But you still need to care for yourself and love yourself enough, and respect yourself enough, to do the things that once were only performed in service of the smaller number on the scale.

My weight simply can't be the focus. It's stupid, it's arbitrary and it's a waste of time to make what the scale says be the purpose for me taking care of myself. I'm not saying that it's easy, just that if I ever hope to have even a modicum of healthy thought when it comes to my body, I have to remind myself of that fact. There is something to be said for the fact that the scale has stayed in low-140s. After all: I have a condition that makes weight loss doubly hard; I don't want to starve myself or not drink wine or eat cheese to be thin; I don't want to devote any more time than two days a week to weight lifting. These are all factors that contribute to my body comfortably staying where it is right now. This sounds more defeatist than I mean for it, but this might be as good as it gets for me. I take care of myself, I work out hard, I compete, I pay attention, I educate myself ... When it comes down to it, I do these things because ultimately they compliment my life. Not because they get me into a smaller clothing size. And at the end of the day? I'm blessed to have this body. It's healthy, strong, and thanks to genetics and all of the running I do, I can rock a miniskirt like no one's business.

I have to tell myself that I need to take more pictures of me doing things such as this race. I mean, since March - that's FOUR MONTHS TIME - I have run five races. Three 5Ks, an 8K and a 10K. And while the t-shirts are nice, having this picture is better. I know how I feel and what I'm thinking when I am at this point in a race, the part where I am forcing myself to sprint and kick it into gear, and now I have a picture to remind me of that feeling, of what I am capable of when I make a decision and stick to it.

Don't get me wrong - I am proud of my weight loss. Again, if I lost more, I wouldn't kick it out of my bed for eating crackers. And, I certainly don't think I'd be pleased if I gained back the weight again. I love wearing whatever is in my closet, without having to rush to the mirror to see if it's passable. That's a nice feeling. Especially on my pocket book. But if a smaller number on the scale was my only purpose, I don't know that you can capture a photo of that with the same sense of pride and enthusiasm.

Posted by Erin at 02:45 PM | filed under: