July 2007 archives

The end

Originally uploaded by ejshea

This is me busting tail to cross the finish line at yesterday's 10K. It is not the prettiest, most flattering picture, but it is me, finding the energy and the determination to cross the finish line at full speed sprint.

On an adjacent photo to this one on my Flickr stream, I mention that I had my boyfriend take pictures of me running this race because for once and for all it's time for me to stop apologizing - in so, so many subtle ways - for continuing to not be some idealized embodiment of dieting and exercise perfection. It's time for me to rather embrace what I have accomplished and what I do instead of waiting for some mythological day when I look as though I stepped off of a Nike ad. It's time for me to be proud and accepting of myself and capture these moments because one day I might not be able to do live them.

Life happens. Things change.

All of this was inspired by something Diet Girl wrote weeks ago, and it's sparked me to have a new appreciation for my life and my body. Last night, Shauna and I talked forever about the pressure to reach The Goal Weight. It's important to have a focus, to be sure, but after having done this for as long as we have, we're beginning to look at the process differently.

I haven't given up on losing some more weight, but it's not the focus it was when I began. I still weigh in, still post about it here every two weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less, mostly because it's a good way to gauge how my body fluctuates during the month and when.

(For instance, in two days, I fully expect to put on about five-six pounds. If last month is any indicator, that is. If I hadn't been paying attention to my body's patterns, that might freak my ass out.)

When I started, it was fun and exciting to look at the number "131" on my Weight Watchers packet because it was the first time someone said I was capable of reaching a goal at all when it came to my weight. Besides, the Diet Gods all use the number on the scale as a way to introduce the concept of setting goals because it's the most tangible. You can't tell someone who hates to get up off of the couch to change the television that her goal needs to be crossing the finish line of a 10K. Not a great business model and a surefire way to lose your customers.

But somewhere along the way you realize that all of our bodies are different and not everyone - whether it's by genetics, choice or lifestyle - can be At Goal. But you still need to care for yourself and love yourself enough, and respect yourself enough, to do the things that once were only performed in service of the smaller number on the scale.

My weight simply can't be the focus. It's stupid, it's arbitrary and it's a waste of time to make what the scale says be the purpose for me taking care of myself. I'm not saying that it's easy, just that if I ever hope to have even a modicum of healthy thought when it comes to my body, I have to remind myself of that fact. There is something to be said for the fact that the scale has stayed in low-140s. After all: I have a condition that makes weight loss doubly hard; I don't want to starve myself or not drink wine or eat cheese to be thin; I don't want to devote any more time than two days a week to weight lifting. These are all factors that contribute to my body comfortably staying where it is right now. This sounds more defeatist than I mean for it, but this might be as good as it gets for me. I take care of myself, I work out hard, I compete, I pay attention, I educate myself ... When it comes down to it, I do these things because ultimately they compliment my life. Not because they get me into a smaller clothing size. And at the end of the day? I'm blessed to have this body. It's healthy, strong, and thanks to genetics and all of the running I do, I can rock a miniskirt like no one's business.

I have to tell myself that I need to take more pictures of me doing things such as this race. I mean, since March - that's FOUR MONTHS TIME - I have run five races. Three 5Ks, an 8K and a 10K. And while the t-shirts are nice, having this picture is better. I know how I feel and what I'm thinking when I am at this point in a race, the part where I am forcing myself to sprint and kick it into gear, and now I have a picture to remind me of that feeling, of what I am capable of when I make a decision and stick to it.

Don't get me wrong - I am proud of my weight loss. Again, if I lost more, I wouldn't kick it out of my bed for eating crackers. And, I certainly don't think I'd be pleased if I gained back the weight again. I love wearing whatever is in my closet, without having to rush to the mirror to see if it's passable. That's a nice feeling. Especially on my pocket book. But if a smaller number on the scale was my only purpose, I don't know that you can capture a photo of that with the same sense of pride and enthusiasm.

Posted by Erin at 02:45 PM | | filed under:

The 10K today was fantastic and though my legs are sore and my knees a little achy, it was all worth it. I averaged 11:45 for the entire she-bang. Considering the 8K in March (1.2 miles less than today) had me averaging 12-minute miles, I'll take it and love it and hug and squeeze it.

And, for the first time in the history of me and running, I actually want to work on my speed. As in, running faster. I, too, am shocked by this. I've already mapped out a route to do interval training every other morning this week. It's tough without a track but it can be done.

Tomorrow, however, it's back to Turbo Jam. This week I'll be adding three new DVDs to my collection. Which will be nice. For as much as I love Chalene, I need to see her in a different setting.

Tonight? Tonight was about me and this amazing woman you see me pictured with - the amazing (literally!) Diet Girl. I'm tired right now but I'll write more about meeting her soon. We had too many sangrias at the hotel bar, talked and talked and talked, and then had Thai food, talked and talked and talked, and before you know it I was standing at State and Grand, having to say goodbye to her. As a bonus, the lovely and amazing SJ joined us for dinner and it was so fantastic to share the company of these amazing, sharp, witty women that, as is often the case when you part ways with those friends who don't live close by, I was so sad to know that the chances were slim that I'd see them again anytime soon.

Just the same? Meeting Shauna was long overdo. Better late than never! Plus, she brought me chocolates to celebrate the 10K, one of which I happily munched away as soon as I got home.

Posted by Erin at 01:14 AM | | filed under: Random

On Saturday I was almost through a four-mile run through my neighborhood when I passed a lovely young woman walking with her (I think) three-year-old son. At least he looked about three. Maybe he was four? Not older than that.

They were clearly out to just walk around the neighborhood to point out things - trees, cars, grass. All of the obvious things that make up the outdoors that, when out of the mouth of a little kid, seem like the most wondrous, awesome things ever in the world. More than just a "tree," if you will.

So I see them headed my way and I skirt around them. As soon as I start to pass them by, I see the boy point at me and as I run on by I hear the mother say, "Yes! That's another runner!"

In truth I am more, as my best friend Shelane likes to call us, a "jolly jogger." I don't do speed drills and in all of the years I've been running, even if these past few months have been the most dedicated I've been to it, I've never cared too much about how fast I ran, as long as I finished.

Just the same, to that kid? I was a runner. And his mother confirmed it for him, which was even nicer. I don't need validation in the form of some stranger's opinion of me, but something like that was sweet and nice and much less cliche than the streets and sanitation worker from a couple of weeks ago who smiled and whistled at me.

Had a good workout this morning - all upper body and Pilates - though I'm still a little sore in my shoulders from the handstands at yoga practice yesterday. The yoga instructor said to practice one move from class this week, and I'm trying to decide which one. I think I'll work on my warrior poses because let me tell you: it wasn't until she adjusted my stance did I realize just wrong I've been doing warrior pose.

People. It's not easy. Did you know that? I did not. ;)

So this week is the 10K. I'm not worried about it, as I said, which is a nice feeling, but I'm doing everything I can to prepare for it so I feel good about it after it's done, as opposed to lukewarm. Unless I do another like-run this fall, I'm not doing another one that's this long until Thanksgiving, which then is only five miles.

In addition to eight hours of sleep a night, no alcohol, lots of water and clean foods (veggies, fruits and lean proteins), I'm going to adhere to the below workout schedule. I don't think I need to do any more running this week and I'd rather be well-rested than anything else. These workouts are all performed in the morning.

Monday - Upper body strength training and Pilates tape
Tuesday - Turbo Jam (Kick, Punch and Jam) and lower body strength training
Wednesday - 60 minutes of yoga
Thursday - 60 minutes of yoga
Friday - Turbo Jam (Kick, Punch and Jam)
Saturday - Yoga at the yoga studio (1 hour, 45 minutes)
Sunday - 10K Race!

So that's it! Wish me luck!

Posted by Erin at 12:13 PM | | filed under: Random

This morning I decided to shake the dust off of my pass book and take a yoga class. While I took yoga at my gym, and years of Bikram, I've never really done much at any yoga studios or centers. But since money is short, and I'm no longer part of a gym, it was to the pass book centers I went.

My mind has not been the nicest place to be these past 24 hours. Sundry things have made it so - or, I should more accurately say, spurred it on as I'm the only person who makes me be anything, really - and despite trying to calm myself down, nothing seemed to work. I woke up angry, and I just didn't want to be angry anymore. I have a hard time letting go. I am, as my shrink has alluded to, a control freak. And when my control is challenged I have a difficult time responding in a calm, level-headed fashion. Worse yet, I almost refuse to let reason enter the picture, and subsequently take hold of whatever it is that's bothering me as though I were a rabid dog. It's almost as if I want to remain in a state of crazy, hot pissed off.

I am trying to stop all that. Or at least reduce the amount of time I spend stewing. I don't want to be so angry when things don't go my way. I don't want to be so mad when my feelings get hurt. It's not that I'm necessarily trying to suppress my feelings, but rather take it all down a notch. All that ends up happening in the end is that I end up feeling ashamed, more than anything else.

So at 8:23 a.m., sitting at this computer, I realized that I was embarking on yet another few hours of "I am so right and I am so mad so someone justify these feelings now, dammit," I decided that I might be better served to find a yoga class and calm the heck down.

So by 8:45 a.m. I was at the studio, signing the papers and getting ready. It's a small space, and the class is tiny - nine people. It was a Hatha yoga class, and while I wasn't worried about how I would do, I knew I'd stumble a bit. I tried to remember that important lesson - to let myself stumble, that it would be OK to let go and not know it all. Somehow it seemed to help with the greater struggle before me, the one where I was so angry and hurt but knew I had to be done with it.

I say that yoga for me is a lot like golf is for golfers: when I'm practicing yoga, I'm not thinking of anything else. And like golf, you can never really be perfect at it. Everyone, for the most part, is on equal footing as far as this concept is concerned. You're each constantly working on something, and the entire activity is dependent upon your mind and body being focused, working together in tandem. There is little room for distraction. And in truth, the lessons you seem to take with you occur after the fact, and aren't ones you're particular conscious of during.

Also, everyone needs something that takes them out of themselves for a couple of hours. Forcing yourself to forget the niggling details of life tends to unclutter us just long enough to gain perspective.

I am not good at inversions. They make me nervous. Again, it's a control thing. But it's funny when you consider my childhood, one in which I spent hours turning flips and cartwheels and somersaults and headstands. As a kid, I'd watch TV, upside down, in the living room, in a headstand.

So we prepped for handstand, or the proper name if you care, "Adho Mukha Vrksasana," and I told myself that I would just try. No matter what, I would try. We did a position before launching into handstand that had us position our feet against the wall, in a handstand position, forming a 90-degree angle. I managed that without problem, but my shoulders certainly felt weak and sore. As our teacher went into discussing handstand, she said this:

"It's the little things that scare us. Rather than just going forward and doing it, we take these little steps that end up doing us more harm than good."

In some ways, she clearly meant this literally as you're more likely to successfully get yourself into the handstand position by sweeping your leg on up and over. But it's scary. It seems safer to scuttle your feet on up and hop around and maybe then get your feet up and over your head onto the wall. But it doesn't work that way. You just have to get in there and do it.

It's stupid, perhaps, and a whopping yoga cliche, definitely, but I smiled as soon as she said this and let everything go. I probably had one of the most relaxing and true Savasanas I have ever had.

Plus I managed to hoist my legs up and over. Only once, and it took me a while, but I did it.

Sometimes I have to remember to just let go when it comes to nearly every aspect of my life. I'm not alone in this. Sometimes it feels safer to hold on to it all, whatever it is, when there is usually greater reward in the release. Overeating is sometimes like this, as is drinking, sleeping ... an excess of any vice is usually the result of us clinging onto some feeling rather than just putting down the Cheetos (if you're me) and getting on with it. It takes a certain amount of courage to sit with not only the original feeling, but the result of your reaction to it - empty potato chip bags strewn about or a messy house or missed appointments because you never left the house ... the list goes on, I suppose.

For me, today, not only am I dealing with feeling hurt, but also the results of my reaction to that hurt, which found me snapping at someone I love, and closing myself off as quickly as I could. I'm better prepared to sort through it all now, but it's still there and I still have to deal with all of it and oy.

It sucks.

It's worth pointing out that the woman who taught my yoga class this morning is the very same woman who authored the "Wear Sunscreen" column ten years ago, which was mistaken to be a M.I.T. commencement speech give by author Kurt Vonnegut, and to which Baz Luhrmann set to music and released as an album. I'm not totally surprised she teaches yoga. Or that I was inspired by her today.

(Here's the column if you're interested. I remember when it came out. Yeesh. I was still in school.)

For now, I'm going to take my dog to the dog beach and spend some time outside. She likes it there and goes nutty for it. I could use the fresh air and some more perspective. Plus, tomorrow I have another tough workout in front of me before I take it easy in preparation for next Sunday's 10K.

Posted by Erin at 12:17 PM | | filed under: Inspiration

In the car this morning, my left ass cheek flexed and warbled involuntarily. It is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.

Yesterday morning I exhausted the hell out of everything beneath my waist. Lunges, squats, steps, leg extensions ... and everything is tender today. I spent 45 minutes doing this and while I didn't hate every moment of it, I wasn't happy, either. But I'm plowing through because I know it's good for me, and I know if I can just work in two weight lifting sessions a week, I can stop feeling so guilty about having flabby arms and a saggy (albeit slightly less saggy since I've been running so much)ass.

I have this picture up in my "Friends Only" section of Flickr - it is from a picture of me and my boyfriend from over the weekend and we're keeping his face and real name off of the Web site for now, with the exception of my friends, obviously - and I mentioned how much I hate my arms. And I didn't say it so my friends could bolster me up and cheer me on, though it was nice to have them be so supportive because, hell, that's what friends do. Rather I said it because in the context of talking to my friends it seems safe to just say that I'm less-than-thrilled with a particular body part of mine, in spite of how much work I've done on my body and how much I've accomplished. They won't chastise me or think I'm fishing or get concerned that I have some body image issues, beyond those that I've already been clear about, or ... whatever.

The biggest reason I mentioned it was because while I don't hate my arms - I mean, hell, I'm rocking the strapless top in public so I can't be that self-conscious or caring about their state - I am frustrated with how weak and soft they are in comparison to other facets of my body. My endurance, my legs, my mind ... it's strange to feel so strong and yet have irrefutable evidence that perhaps not everything is as such and I still have work to do.

This is why I am making myself do the one thing I hate more than anything, twice a week. My arms aren't going to get stronger on their own, nor will my calf muscles, my back, etc. It takes me being just as dedicated to fitting in those workouts as it does eschewing a pile of cheese fries. And I hate having to eschew cheese fries.

The last area I need to work on is my flexibility. I have been woefully lazy on doing my yoga routine at night - Only 30 minutes! I don't have 30 minutes before bed? - and need to try and do that at least three times a week. I'll hurt something if I don't stretch out some more.

Lastly, on the suggestion of other Turbo Jam-obsessed readers, I ordered the Fat Blaster, 3T and Cardio Party Mix 3 DVDs. They were a little pricier than I would have liked, but I don't want to get bored by the one I have from playing it so much. If you would have told me a year ago I would have been all girl crushing on some DVD instructor I would have laughed at you, but people?

I love Chalene. God help me, but I would totally like to go have cocktails with her and giggle all night about ... I don't know. Something.

Posted by Erin at 01:03 PM | | filed under: Ouch

I am so irritated with myself right now.

I overslept and skipped my workout which means I have to do it tonight. After laundry. Which means right before bed. I am trying to psych myself up for it by remembering that I have the option of taking a nice hot shower afterwards and cuddling up in bed with my dog and a book and the satisfaction of knowing that I didn't flake out about my work out today but so far I'm just irritated that now I have to do 45-minutes worth of lifting tonight. I'm getting so used to getting it all out of the way in the mornings.

In other news, I went to the farmer's market on Saturday and picked up some tomatoes and some zucchini squash. It was rainy last night so I didn't feel like turning on the grill. So I decided to slice up two of the squash, chop up two of the tomatoes, some garlic, a teaspoon of olive oil, some fresh basil from my garden, a couple of Tablespoons of lemon juice and a 1/2 teaspoon of kosher salt, some oregano and ... just threw it all together and cooked it in a sauté pain. It wasn't fancy, but it was clean and healthy.

I added about two Tablespoons of baba ganoush to the cooked, finished product, about half of a piece of light string cheese, grated, since I didn't have any grated on hand, and a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese.

I've taken to making veggie-heavy lunches lately, mostly because this is a good time of the year to eat vegetables and fruit. In the morning I have this insane protein shake for breakfast - the almond, tofu, yogurt, soy milk, whey protein one - so I'm literally not hungry until much later in the day. I don't need to OD on protein so I figure midday is a nice time to fit in the produce.

OK. I re-read what I wrote and it almost made me pass out from the boringness of it all. So I'm going to stop there. One last point, though? Next weekend is the 10K race and I'm totally ready for it. Could do it tomorrow if I had to.

That's a nice feeling.

Posted by Erin at 01:58 PM | | filed under: Recipes

Again, not an official weigh-in (last week's I think I have yet to record), but what the scale read back all weekend.

I'm going to attribute this to harder workouts. I didn't miss a work out day, and incorporated harder, more intense lifting routines. My diet was solid, although I was at the Pitchfork Music Festival Saturday night and drank beer, which never sits well with me. All in all, though, a good week last week and I'm hoping to keep up the intensity into this week. I did Turbo Jam this morning, despite having serious allergy issues today.

Anyway, will I actually see the 130s this summer? Seriously. If it takes too much effort to get there and stay there, I'll throw up the white flag. But still. I'm getting closer and closer.

Posted by Erin at 10:56 AM | | filed under: Random , Weigh in

Yesterday after work I took a stab that Old Navy might have something for me to put on my body that wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg - and, c'mon, this is Old Navy so if they're charging an arm and a leg, they're outta their frickin' minds.

Success!

I found a pair of low-rise cargo capris, size 10, in a sort of a dark, khaki color. And two t-shirts to boot. And a really cute necklace. All for $40.

Of course I can't find a link to the pants, but there you go. I finally have pants that fit. And now I don't have to go shopping this weekend for anything else other than a shower gift for my best friend's shower on Sunday. Hallelujah!

I felt so weird picking up a pair of pants in a size 10. Really weird. I have a couple of pairs of pants in a size 10 but I bought them so long ago and I know I felt weird back then, too. I never stayed this size long enough to get used to being a size 10, I guess. I couldn't help but wonder if the salesgirls were eying me up and down and thinking to themselves, "Who does that girl think she's kidding?"

But then I slipped the pants on in the dressing room and with no tugs or struggle, they button right up. They do fit. They are my size. Only a few months ago I was still in a size 14 (a size I'm always more comfortable being) and now to have such a huge change in what feels like a short amount of time is baffling.

I have been at this for years now and yet I am still baffled.

This morning I found out that my gym membership is officially canceled as of July 17. I decided to pop on in there to lift and do some light cardio since I paid for it after all. The girl at the counter said that it's in the system and I won't be charged for another month. Which is a nice thing since with the exception of the goofy new elliptical machine I used this morning, all of the equipment I used today I have at home or will be adding to my collection.

I never got around to working out yesterday - I worked late and with my boyfriend coming over for dinner, there wasn't the time. So I took it as a free day and plan on running the five miles I intended to do yesterday in the morning since it's my day off from word. I plan on doing some lower-body and ab work after that, then? Then I will nap on my couch with my dog and my sister's dog in preparation for the little doggy birthday party I am hosting for Glin, who turns two on Sunday.

It's really just peanut butter ice cream for her and her friends but whatever. If I could get her a party hat I totally would.

Posted by Erin at 01:36 PM | | filed under: Random

You know, I'm planning on running five miles this morning so why the dog felt the need to wake me up at 6 a.m. I'll have no idea.

Evil dog.

So 143.5 this week. There you go. There have been other milestones - the dress, for one - so just because we're stalling out (again) at this weight is fine. Since I saw my weight climb up to 147.5 last week during the pre-period meltdown, I'm just as happy to see a one-pound gain overall. I've kicked up the intensity of my workouts, and I'm switching things up, so perhaps we'll start seeing the numbers go down once again.

I'm going to be buying a few items of clothing this weekend. I can't take the baggy, droopy pants anymore. It's ridiculous and I look like a slob. I hate investing any money in clothes at this point, but surely I can do better than what I'm doing now!

This morning my sides are a little sore and achy from all of the Turbo Jamming from yesterday. So are my arms. Now to bring the dog back in and sleep for another hour before hitting the road to clock five miles before work. My route this morning will take me past Wrigley Field, and while I'm a Sox fan, it's still a neat treat to pass by.

UPDATE: Totally overslept and didn't get back up until 8:30 a.m., when my boyfriend sent me a text message. Which means I have a crapload of working out to do tonight when I get home, including the five-mile run and weights. And today is my rough day at work so I'm not sure a five-mile run and 45 minutes of weight lifting are going to be welcome treats. However, my boyfriend is coming over for dinner tonight around 8:30 and we're going to have fillets and asparagus and some sweet potato mash.

Those two things are probably good motivators to get home and get it all done. Have a great day!

Posted by Erin at 07:14 AM | | filed under: Weigh in

Remember when I talked about how much I liked the woman who taught Turbo Kick at my gym?

Now that I've done one go-through of Turbo Jam's "Punch, Kick and Jab," I know she was just mimicking creator Chalene Johnson's style of teaching. Which is TOTALLY fine, because I obviously liked it, but I just thought it was funny this morning that there I was, in my living room and it was pretty much like being at the gym, in that Turbo Kick class. The DVD arrived last night and I - hand to God - couldn't wait to do it this morning.

Wow do I love this workout. I really, really do. Despite my distaste for how the distributor suckers people into that online membership, I can already tell you that I'll find ways to buy the other Turbo Jam DVDs. I'm off to get a resistance band and weighted gloves at lunch. Honestly, it's just really fun, and really pretty tough, and I had a good time doing it.

It probably helped that it's almost the exact same thing as the class I took, and therefore was familar with the moves and routines. I don't know that I'd recommend this DVD for anyone just starting out. It's easy to get frustrated. That said, if you're OK with pushing through and being frustrated, and want to sweat your booty off, this will work for you.

My girl Casey is giving me her weights and Transfirmer since she and her lovely family are headed out west for a new and exciting adventure. I would run into Casey from time to time, and we've "known" each other for years online. I'll be sad to know that bumping into each other here in Chicago won't happen again, but thrilled for she and her family. I was lifting weights after the Turbo Jam DVD and with the addition of Casey's weights - which include 10- and 12-lb. handweights - and realized how much more challenging my routines will be. Anyway, she's saving me a boatload of money.

I'm feeling 110% better this week. Last week was just awful. Even at 31, I'm still amazed how much my period can knock me back. I gained SIX POUNDS last week. Usually I gain a pound here and there but last week was just ridiculous. Plus, horrible cramps, lethargy, bloat and just all-around pain and ache. I barely left the couch. When I saw the scale go back down yesterday I felt pretty relieved. Seriously. And I never feel that way.

I'm taking advantage of my energy this week and running, lifting, and, as I mentioned, Turbo Jam-ing. I'm also being a stalwart about my diet and water intake. Last week took a toll on my body, for sure, so I'm not fudging on the diet especially. My poor stomach needs the break, too.

Anyway, BIG thumbs up to that DVD. Huge.

PS - Here are a couple of pictures of me in the new dress. And one of me and my sisters, just because.

Posted by Erin at 11:30 AM | | filed under: Random

Seriously. I'm starving. And it's 11 p.m. and I should be in bed but I am sitting here on the computer reminding myself that it is too late to eat even though I AM HUNGRY.

Sometimes I still feel all screwy about my body cues. I mean, I know that for the most part I go without feeling genuinely hungry, owing to all of the little meals I eat all day. But I am susceptible to the pratfalls that all of us with eating issues have, which includes not always being able to ascertain whether I'm having that "genuine" hunger they tells us to be on the lookout for, or is it the "boredom" hunger where I'm bored, so I eat.

I'm pretty sure I didn't eat well enough to sustain the amount of exercise I had today. We were out biking on the lake shore for two hours straight, riding in the highest temperatures of the year so far, with strong winds. Then we went to the pool for an hour to swim and cool off. Dinner was two small corn tortillas filled with ground turkey with black beans, tomatoes and corn, a spread of light cream cheese and about a half-tablespoon of light shredded cheese. Then I had a piece of the wedding cake left over from my sister's reception last night, and a half-cup of ice cream. With the exception of the ice cream, lunch was exactly the same. So I'm thinking, maybe, yes, perhaps, I didn't fuel up properly today. I took Glinny for a walk for a half-hour after dinner, too.

I just had a piece of string cheese and some frozen cherries. Still hungry.

At this point, I'm guessing that it's probably just as well I go to bed and consider it a lesson learned. Should have had more veggies, probably some more protein, before we hit the trail. I honestly did not think it was going to be the workout it was; hand to God, I kept saying that I just wanted to stroll along. No matter what I did, conditions were as such, and our distance was as such, and I'm so darn competitive, that I kept pushing and pushing. I drank water like crazy, of course. I walked in the door after it was all over and decided I didn't care if I never saw my bike again.

It's also not a great bike in any kind of condition for me to be doing rides like that. It sat outside all winter for God's sake, and I never had it tuned up. (I can sense Heather and James losing their minds over that sentence from here in Chicago. And they knew what a piece of crap my bike was back in 2003 when I rode it for the triathlon.) I should really buy a new bike, even if it isn't top of the line.

ANNNNYWAAAAY.

I'm tired. I'm going to get some water and try and sleep. And be totally pumped to make breakfast in the morning. I have smoked salmon and cream cheese that are going to be awesome in an omelet tomorrow.

Posted by Erin at 12:00 AM | | filed under: Ouch

I was checking my referral logs tonight (so much for not being on the computer this week) and noticed I was being linked by the lovely people over at Glamour magazine.

(Hi, Glamour! Want some help testing beauty products? Any workout togs you wanna pass my way? Call me!)

(Kidding. Sort of. Heh.)

Sunny Sea Gold, Glamour's associate health editor, has started up a blog - at the Body By Glamour section of the site - that I think is just fantastic, and that's not just because they're linking to me. I've been linked by plenty of magazines before, that doesn't mean I liked what they were doing. I'm not a total ho. At least not yet.

Anyway, it's refreshing to read a blog by a magazine staffer that you can relate to, and doesn't feel like the byproduct of a marketing meeting where a bunch of people who have no concept of what a blog actually is, and what it can actually accomplish for a publication, said "Hey! Let's have a blog!" and then give it to someone who can't write a blog for diddly. I work in the medium, in the industry, I know from which I speak. Even if that was what happened, no matter, because Sunny can write and it's a great MSM blog.

Sunny is very fun and honest and NORMAL. Definitely worth making the stop over at the Glamour site to give her a read.

In other news, despite fitting into a smaller size last night, that had not swayed me from a polish sausage, two beers at the Sox game today, and a little bit of cookies and cream ice cream tonight. A 1/2 cup of ice cream is not going to keep me outta that dress and hello! VACATION! What is a summer vacation without some ice cream I ask you?

Posted by Erin at 10:13 PM | | filed under: Inspiration

It is. Do you see that? That's the size tag of a dress that I bought tonight, to wear to my sister's wedding reception on Saturday.

It is a 9/10. This is the dress. I'll take a picture of me in it when I wear it this weekend.

I try and not focus on size, and rather fit, and not assign much value to an arbitrary number, especially one that does not apply to me across the board in all clothing sizes. It's counterproductive, it's demeaning, it's all of the things that many people find dangerous and pointless but ...

It's a small victory for me, and I'm not sure I feel like apologizing for being thrilled at seeing a number that I haven't seen on article of clothing in my possession since I was 13. In eighth grade. Junior high, people. I've worked hard, and been cognizant of the pitfalls and problems that come with weight loss and exercise, and I've earned the right to pat myself on the back because, whether it should or not, I have been impacted by our size-obsessed culture and in some ways, it feels like I beat them a bit. I can get into a smaller dress size by eating well, exercising and taking care of myself. I can do all of that without buying into the notion that I need to starve myself, berate myself, and hate myself into that smaller size. That it can just happen that I fell into it, that being in a dress that size was not my goal, but rather a happy byproduct of what I've done for myself.

The only reason I picked it up was that it was the biggest size they had in stock, and I really loved it, and while I assumed it wouldn't fit, I figured it might be a good way to gauge where I'm at. I live in size 14 pants from last summer that are so big they fall down if I walk too fast. I have a couple of jeans that are sizes 10 and 12, but mostly I'm at a loss of where I'm at in terms of clothes since I don't really have the money to buy new ones. And I'm loathe to do so as I keep losing more weight.

But I needed to buy a dress for the wedding reception, so I broke down and there you do. I got it stupidly cheap to boot - $22 - which allowed me to buy some cute white sandals and some honey-scented body scrub at Bath & Body Works' big sale because that is just how I roll.

Posted by Erin at 09:21 PM | | filed under: Random

For the past two days, I have felt like ass.

Seriously, my period came in this month like the Running of The Bulls and my body was its Pamplona. I am very thankful for my heating pad as, up until today, when my period arrived, it was a permanent fixture on my abdomen. I haven't exercised, I haven't eaten well, and I certainly didn't sleep well.

I'm taking the next few days to correct things, as I think the reason the pain and agony lasted so long was because - duh - I didn't take better care of myself, which includes sleep, clean eating and lots of water and sunshine. Glinny and I are off to dog beach in just a little bit. I just finished my grilled chicken and goat cheese salad, and need to change.

But since I couldn't sleep much - I was up until 2:30 this morning - I spent some time cleaning up this site and updating links and pictures. I hadn't even clicked on the "pictures" link under The Buddha's Progress in probably a year. I'd totally forgotten what was even on there and holy Moses. Talk about outdated. So I took down all the old progress pictures. I'm going back and forth about doing new ones, but I'm not sure I want my progress to be measured and recorded by that method.

I might change my mind. Who knows.

I added some new links, though no new blogs because I just do do blog linking anymore. I used to, years ago, but it felt like taking part in a game of popularity, which felt strange to me. I'm always, always linking to people's blogs, though. There are really too many great ones these days to choose from.

You'll note some of the links - notably, the Body for Life link - might seem curious. I stumbled upon the BFL link and I thought it was a great, FREE resource for anyone looking for recipe and exercise program ideas. I'm all about turning everyone on to the free stuff!

Finally, during my insomnia of last night, I found a copy of Turbo Jam's "Punch, Kick" whatever - it was the copy Linda told me to get - and bought it and it should be on its way this week. I sent a letter to my gym last week and am just waiting on the word that I'm officially no longer a member there. I'm sure it will take months and they'll end up charging me another few times, but the ball is set in motion.

Today I'm going to head off to the used sporting goods store in town and pick up some 10-lb. handweights as I only have five- and eight-pounds weights to work with at the moment. Hopefully they won't cost me too much.

Posted by Erin at 12:52 PM | | filed under: Random

I'm totally and completely pooped right now. For myriad reasons, mostly owing to the fact that I've been going out every night for the past few days.

Yesterday morning's run was awful. I could barely handle TWO MILES. Ridiculous.

This is all fine. It happens. I've been riding my bike everywhere and moving and walking and running - though as I said, rather pathetically - but the key is to keep moving in some fashion and pick it back up when my body is a bit more rested and I'm not drinking a dirty gin martini the previous evenings.

I've learned not to push it when my body genuinely doesn't want to be pushed. I end up frustrated and pissed and feeling like I failed somehow, when it's perfectly natural that my body doesn't want an hour of ass-kicking after all of the socializing I've been doing. And the socializing is just as important. Maybe even moreso.

Anyway, there's that. I'm taking off a few days from work starting tomorrow so there will be plenty of time for relaxing.

I've been eating a new salad for lunches lately, one that totally rocks and makes me stupendously happy since I need to eat more salads and I usually get bored with them easily.

I grill a couple of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, after they've been marinating in some kind of Italian dressing for 24 hours, and then slice them up into four, separate 4-oz. portions. Then I take a bag of sweet butter lettuce, dump about half into a plastic container, and add about a Tablespoon or two of Trader Joe's dried cranberries, fortified with Omega-3's, a Tablespoon of plain, raw pine nuts, a Tablespoon of crumbled goat cheese, a slice of turkey bacon, crumbled and 4-oz. of the grilled chicken.

Then I add about a Tablespoon and a half of Newman's Olive Oil and Vinegar dressing, and shake it all up.

I recommend cooking the turkey bacon slice right before you add the dressing, if a microwave is available to you. I know not everyone has one at their office they can use. Anyway, it keeps the bacon crispy and adds a nice smoky flavor.

In an effort to get more fruit into my daily diet, I've been taking bananas, strawberries or frozen cherries and dipping them into sugar-free chocolate syrup. I know this seems to be one of those things chock-filled with self-loathing, but again, I need to cut the bad sugars when I can and fruit already has enough of it. Plus, I don't use more than a Tablespoon. Just enough to curb the chocolate cravings when they come.

That's it for now - I'm going to take a few days off of the blog and spend less time on the computer and more time reading and hanging out outside!

Posted by Erin at 12:17 PM | | filed under: Random