I just got back from Old Navy where I tried on clothes.

New clothes. I can't really afford to buy anything new just yet - big dental bills to pay for, after all - but I know I need to break down and buy a few things because my pants are either old, falling off of my ass, or both. I wish I had the disposable income I once had to buy my clothes at Banana Republic and J Crew, even Express, mostly because the quality is a more than a smidgen better than what you'd find at Old Navy or H&M but sadly, until I'm done losing weight, I'm stuck at the cheap-ass stores because why do I want to spend that kind of money?

Sadly, I am in an awful, awful stage where nothing anywhere seems to fit. Plus, in the past couple of years, I've developed some small pockets of cellulite on my butt where once there was none. And on my inner thighs. It's not a lot, just enough that I have no designs on buying a new swimsuit, and sticking with the one I have, thanks. Seeing my butt and thighs today made me want to spend at least two hours tomorrow doing lunges and squats, never mind that I worked my ass off yesterday for an hour and a half doing weights and cardio.

I told my boyfriend that you'd think I'd see something for my efforts, but no. It's still a struggle. And I'm sure there are clothes out there somewhere that would fit me, it's not like all hope is lost, but I just want a cheap pair or two of cargo pants! Maybe a t-shirt or two! I guess I just feel kinda high after a week of working my ass off, seeing the scale drop down lower and lower, this week to 143, and still be frustrated with my body.

I do not even want to get into my stomach, and all of its round, fatty, monstrous glory. All I want to mention is that standing in that dressing room today, staring back at that Buddha belly of mine, and I was immediately struck with an understanding as to why some people elect to get liposuction and tummy tucks. Had I scalpel and vacuum with me, I might have done the job myself.

And this is the part that always gets me about weight loss - how it is that I can be so pumped and happy one day and the next still so unsatisfied. My friend Steve asked me the other day if someone said I'd have to stay at this weight, would I be OK with that? I said that I would in light of having gotten down to this weight from 184, gained 20 back, and lost it again.

"I told myself last year that if I got back down to the mid-140s that I wouldn't complain or be ungrateful again because the worst feeling in the world was being in the 160s again when nothing I owned fit and I had a closet filled with pretty clothes staring back at me."

But here I am, so angry about the size of my gut, again. And it's not like this feeling stays, I just wish it would go away for good. I wish I could be rational about a bad day in the fitting room, and not chastise myself for what I didn't do, but congratulate myself on what I have done and will still accomplish.

Maybe that's because I still don't have a decent pair of cargo capris to wear.

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