It isn't an exaggeration to say that when financial pressure looms, I lose all sense of perspective and reason, so much so that nine times out of 10 you're likely to find me convulsing from head to toe, talking rapidly, and crying. Then logic steps in and I calm down and things have a way of working out.

They always do, mainly because they have to. For good or for bad. It's just how life is.

So last night, upon concluding my taxes, and faced with the possibility of owing the IRS a big chunk of cash, instead of my usual modus operandi, I called my dad, asked for some advice, called my friend/neighbor and asked her to meet me outside with our dogs for an impromptu play date. Then I called an accountant and made an appointment for tomorrow.

I didn't run for the fridge, and I didn't freak out to the point where my whole night was ruined. Quite the contrary. I examined my budget and bills for the upcoming weeks and prepared for the possibility of having to shell out a ton of cash to Uncle Sam and figured out what I could live on for the next two months if that is indeed my reality. I cleaned out my files, straighted up around the house, did the dishes, took a hot shower, and went to bed. It's been a rough year, one where nearly everywhere I turned I was faced with some sort of huge financial problem to overcome. And you know what?

I got through them. Every single one of them. Despite all of my hysterics - and believe you me, I think everyone in my life was about to smack me ten times for each dramatic reaction - I didn't have to move out of my apartment, give up my car ... sure, some things had to go but everything that was important was handled and even last week my credit score went up another 80 points. My point is that I'm starting to learn that everything will be OK. Nothing is worth the stress and agony that I allow myself to go through in search for a solution.

Invariably, I end up ignoring my workout schedule, my diet, my healthier habits ... everything. At some point I end up face down in a bag of chips, exhausted, bloated, still no better off than I was before I started the cycle. How I react to stressful situations has been a common theme for me to examine since regaining some of the weight I lost in the past several years. I've come to realize that I literally hit the autopilot button as a way to survive, in every faction of my life. My eating and exercise habits going to hell aren't so much my sole mechanisms of coping as much as they are just more things that go The Way of The Panic.

My house also is a mess. I have no idea what the balance is on my checking account. I don't know when all of my bills are due, at least the ones not on auto-payment. I haven't returned emails from friends. I'm distracted at work. I'm drinking too much. I'm not sleeping.

It was worth it to me to understand what a downward spiral my life takes overall when I allow myself to react with panic. I've put way too much emphasis on how stress effects my eating and exercise habits but really, they're all interconnected. If I keep myself calm, organized and focus on my bills and my bank account, my mind is clear and settled enough that thoughts of "taking it easy" at home instead of going to the gym don't have a chance to creep in. And because I'm working out and eating well, I'm not feel lethargic enough to ignore the dishes in the sink and the dog hair in the corners of the room.

Realizing all of this may sound incredibly no-brainer to some of you but it's been a huge thing for me. Most people can handle this sort of stuff. I'm just learning.

Today I didn't wake up with dread. Sure, I'm still concerned as I'm not interested in shelling out a bunch of cash to Uncle Sam, but I'm prepared, 100 percent, if that has to happen. Prepared for it in every way. And it feels good.

Not as good, maybe, as a few bites off of a Snickers bar, but good nonetheless.

Also? I updated the weight chart to reflect the latest weigh-in. I still don't have my camera but when I do, I'll take some pictures.

Posted by Erin at 08:16 AM | filed under: Random

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