I lost another pound at WW last week. Which brings us to, sadly, 155. Seriously. I started off at 153. Can I be more half-assed at this? It feels like it. In fact, the other night I just started thinking about things - my workout schedule, my incessant dipping into the extra POINTS - and all I could say to myself was, "Are you really doing this or what, Erin?"

What am I doing? What am I expecting? Because it doesn't feel like it did before, I don't feel as committed to it. Why is that?

I was catching up on blogs this morning and came across this entry from my good friend, Heather. I love Heather - she's smart and dedicated and charming and just an honest-to-goodness inspiration. She is, in fact, one of the only original online journalers who you can point to and say, "This girl really changed her life."

It was this line that struck me, and it was said by a WW leader in a WW meeting Heather went to: "If you don't know why you are here, you aren't going to succeed."

To be sure, I'm doing well - gone are the stomach pains, the need to take a nap as soon as I walk in the door, and overall I just feel better. A few weeks of healthy food will do that to you. But my portions? Ah, my portions. Alas, I'm a hungry girl, and it isn't because my workouts are so strenuous and causing the hunger because I'm only working out about four times a week, an hour a pop, and it's nothing I haven't done before.

Nope, it's just because I refuse to pay attention to my portions. I'm still of the mindset that I'm not done eating until I'm full. Plus, there is still too much snacking going on - and a few points there, a few here, and I'm not doing myself any favors. And I know this. I know that portion control is the last bastion of my battle. I like eating well and I know how to cook so that I'm not bored. I'm lucky in that capacity.

But where is the motivator to get me to just wait an hour or so until I'm done making dinner and not snack until my eyes bleed? What's going on? What I'm doing just isn't enough.

So, in the spirit of Heather's Top Ten list, I've decided to make one of my own:

1) Just because I can still wear certain pairs of pants doesn't mean they're fitting me as well as they could. I'd like to stop being aware of my waistband, thanks.
2) I have a closet filled with clothes. Actually, two closets full. I'd like to return to the days where I'm not staring at hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and realizing I can only wear $57 worth of them.
3) God, I want to be the athlete I was more than a year ago. It's coming up on two years since I was at the capacity it was at its peak and I miss those days.
4) I'd like to eat a piece of cheese and not play mindfuck with myself for an hour afterwards.
5) The 1/2 Marathon in February will be infintely easier without the extra 20 pounds.
6) I want to spend the time I use beating myself up to instead give myself a facial.
7) The tops of my Seven jeans would like to see the daylight as they've been covered up for months now.
8) I had pretty arm and shoulder muscles. They're there somewhere, buried under all of that fat ...
9) No one likes a whiny woman who talks a lot about doing something but never actually does a fucking thing. I am dangerously close to becoming one of those women.
10) My sanity.

Posted by Erin at 02:38 PM | filed under: Weigh in

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