In the past two weeks, I've been so dedicated to getting into shape, that today I had to sit back and take stock.

Actually, what I needed to do was sit back and let my very tired muscles relax since yesterday I pushed them to such an extreme that walking up and down a flight of stairs today is a challenge. I ache everywhere, most notably my butt and my thighs - Thanks, long-forgotten Firm tapes!

But, as these things often are, it's a nice pain. The pain that comes from hard work and it's been documented here and so many other places, but it's the kind of soreness that, with each movement of my body allows for a certain amount of self-righteousness. Emotionally, it's just as familar. I feel myself finding a certain center again, learning to channel any of my stresses or anxieties into whatever task is at hand. Whether I'm running or lifting, that rush is coming back.

Instead of my intended schedule today - Bikram and kickboxing - I decided to take the day off. This is how I get burned out. I start pushing too hard, too fast, and then I get smoked. Instead, I took a 20-minute walk to the Buddhist temple in my neighborhood and spent the morning meditating - as much as an Irish-Catholic girl from the South Side can meditate without any formal training, that is - and then went to my girlfriend's to do laundry and make lunch. We had grilled salmon, which I marinated in a honey-dijon and jalapeno sauce, baked sweet potatoes and salad. And now I'm home, cleaning and playing ball in the house with the dog.

It's all very content and quiet and peaceful.

I have a secret to tell you, and it's one I haven't revealed over at ejshea.com: I started smoking again. I've been smoking regularly since November. After nine months of not smoking, I picked it up, thinking I could ... well, it doesn't matter. I just did. Within two months of that first smoke, I was smoking a half-pack a day, sometimes more. And I knew it was going to bite me in the ass. I knew I'd start smoking regularly again. Sure enough, I was.

I was reviewing my finances last week, bemoaning how many corners I've had to cut in my lifestyle - damn do I miss my mani/pedi every other week - and realized that with the money I was spending on cigarettes, I could have a mani/pedi EVERY WEEK, not to mention a myriad of other goodies. And that was it. I didn't want to quit again - I love smoking, I do - but I did. This is Day Seven of me not smoking and I'm doing just fine. The cravings have left the building, and I attribute that mostly to me working out, eating well and drinking a lot of water. It's what worked last time.

Though you'll not believe how difficult it was yesterday to be running in my neighborhood, solely to chase off a craving, and run by people smoking outside the restaurants after brunch.

I feel good about what I'm doing and I know that it's best for me. I haven't felt very whole in a long, long time and I'm starting to feel that way again. It takes work and more dedication than I've had in a long time, but it's worth it.

I can feel it already.

Posted by Erin at 06:07 PM | filed under: Training

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