I have always had an unadulterated love for All-Things-Water related.

Ever since I was a little girl, and JP taught me how to swim, being in the water has always been my favorite part of the summer, and I'm here to tell you that I think that having a job and other "adult" commitments are the worst side effects of age. More than an achy body, slower metabolism, grey hair - all of it. Because being a grown-up means I can't be in the water nearly as much as I'd like, which is to say every day.

My love for swimming has always, without fail, trumped any self-consciousness I've had about being in a swimsuit. I truly have never given a shit. I think I came to some peace a looong time ago regarding swimsuits. Even at my thinnest, I've never looked in a swimsuit the way that the suit manufacturers, magazines, TV, society, whatever, say how I should look. Even at my thinnest, I've never been so thin so as to let anyone forget that my most troublesome area is my belly. Short from donning a tunic, there is no swimsuit that is going to camoflauge or disguise The Buddha, and if I want to swim, I just have to suck it up and rally.

So I always have and so I do to this day.

Last year I bought this retro-looking one-piece that is not only not black - it's sort of a sea-blue green - but also plunges so deeply that it nearly hits my navel. Not really, but it's pretty low-cut. It's got a halter neckline and gives my boobs the illusion that, well, that they exist at all. For whatever reason, I totally got short-changed on the whole "Fat Girls Get The Boobies" trade off because these things barely fit out a B cup on a good day. My boobs don't even have the good manners to go up a size during my period.

But the suit: instead of just throwing myself into yet another sexless, boring tank suit, last year I bought a swimsuit that dared to ask the question, "Do you notice me?" Most times I don't want to be noticed in a suit and have gone out of my way to make certain that I wear something so boring that I practically register myself invisible. But not this suit. Because you see my boobs. I mean, not all of them, but enough that anyone who saw me would first think, "She must really love her breasts."

Or something.

But drawing attention to my chest asks people to look at me, and it's a short trip for the eyes to travel from Boobieland to Buddhaville, and I know that. So far, no one has asked me to "put that shit away" when I've worn the suit in public and that's my measuring stick, so to speak. But the thing about the suit is that it was expensive - as all suits are - and wearing it in my backyard when I'm lying around in the pool with my girlfriends isn't the best option if I hope to have the suit around for awhile.

But here is the other thing - I hate lying around in a swimsuit. I just do. It's a functional piece of clothing as far as I'm concerned and it tends to make me even more self-conscious about my gut than need be. So I had an idea this summer, thanks to my friend and neighbor, Jenni.

Board shorts and a sports bra.

And not the boy-style, either - where they're long in the leg. But that same type of material, only slung lower on the hips with a shorter leg. They're black with cute lacing in the front with some red trim. And I know that in theory it sounds tacky and wretched, but in practice I feel ten times more comfortable in the sports bra and shorts, with my belly exposed, than I ever do in a swimsuit. And I figured, it's just me and my friends hanging out in my backyard and they could give a rat's behind if my belly isn't taut and firm and glowing for all the ... backyard to see.

And I feel rather liberated about the whole thing. I'm for once putting my own comfort ahead of what the free world thinks about a woman of my size and what she should be wearing. I'm always careful to dress "size-appropriate," whatever the hell that means and mostly for my own sense of self, but in this instance, I don't give a shit.

--

Freeing myself in other ways has been helpful, too. Not forcing myself to be Wonder Woman about my workouts has had me in the gym when I said I was going to be and that's given me new hope and resolve.

I actually got into the gym at 5:45 a.m. on Friday and was happy about it. My muscles have been sore all weekend, as it was the first time I've done any weight lifting in six weeks. Tomorrow I'm going for a run in the morning, around my neighborhood, but without my dog. She loves the runs, but it's too hot for her little puppy self and I'd like to concentrate on the run a little better and it's tough with her distracted by every single thing.

And now it's time for a bath and bed. Hope you're all keeping cool.

One last thing: Have you all been checking out Robyn? I know that opinions are mixed out there on WLS, and I don't have an opinion on it whatsoever because who am I to have one at all, but I have several friends who've had WLS, and it's not a quick fix, and it's not easy. Robyn has worked really hard to get where she is and ... whoa! Only 40 pounds to go!

I'm so proud of her!

Posted by Erin at 08:48 AM | filed under: Random

comments