Here is the good news:

I do care. Not about gaining weight, though I can tell you that the last straw for me was not being able to wear a pair of jeans I've deemed my "comfy" jeans. Mostly I care about not reverting back to being the sort of person who would undo years of effort and strength and growth because life got rough. I can allow myself a measure of slack but mostly I can't abide watching myself gain and gain, become lazy and shiftless, instead of picking myself up by my bootstraps and cease the incessant self-pity.

Not to mention all of the cheese binges.

I mourn mostly my ability to sustain great distances and speed and see improvement with each workout. I mourn having to drop my weights. I mourn not being dilligent enough with my training this spring so as to compete in this past weekend's triathlon. Obviously, I did not do it.

I know what to do. Very simply, I went back to the store and bought things with which to make, to nourish, to help my body restore itself. I blame most of my weight gain on booze, lack of proper eating and barely cooking a single meal. I started counting POINTS again and documenting viligantly online.

I will be back at a Weight Watchers meeting at the end of the week.

In the past, I've been able to manage eating slips with my workout schedule. To lose and maintain, I must be in the gym for at least an hour, five times a week. I probably made it into the gym twice a week, if that in the past few months. Now, come rain or shine, I'm in the gym six times a week with yoga on the seventh. There is no negoiating this. It's what keeps me sane.

I know where to begin. I begin here. Writing about all of this, as honestly and as heartfelt as I can muster. While again I don't feel ashamed, I do feel I owe you all some explanation, some sort of dialogue as to what happened, how it quickly went to shit.

I finally have some clarity again, or at least I have the inital makings of it. With that clarity comes some new resolve -- to stick it out here at Lose The Buddha until I've really and truly made it to my personal goal. To keep talking, keep ranting, keep sharing, until it's more than just me whining about being tired of the talk of it all. Or at least ...

Erik and I have made a pact that we're each losing 20 pounds by the end of the year. If I lose 20 pounds, I'm at goal. So I am making a vow to post here, each day, as he and I work towards this goal. I have to do it. It's been three years of this and it's time.

Consider this me starting all over again. From the top. A whole new beginning.

Sorry for the absence, everyone. Really. Hope you're all doing well. Please drop a note with your sites and what you've been up to; what you think I should be reading and what new things you've all learned.

I could use all of the help I can get.