Today I was interviewed by a reporter doing a very cool story on second marriages.

It took everything in my power, when asked what are some of the differences between my first and my second, to not say, "Well, I plan on actually working at this one." Partially because it's a tacky retort but mostly because it's not true. Just the same, I'm weeks away from getting married for the second time and when someone asks you questions like that, you want to make sure the differences are as clear as crystal.

In the six months it's been since I announced here that Scott and I are getting married, I've done, I think, a pretty admirable job not getting too twee about the details. Sometimes it was hard, like when I finally found a pair of shoes to match my dress (This week, courtesy of Ali and her eagle eye at DSW) or the funny thing our officiant said to Scott when he called to confirm the ceremony. I think not using my blog to discuss in public every last bit of detail about our upcoming wedding was an exercise in learning my lessons on a bigger scale - some things must remain our own. It's important to stick through with what you said you were going to do. Making choices based on what's for the good of the team. Things like that.

Besides, let's be honest, there will be pictures once we get back home. Or, really, before that. We do have free Wi-Fi in the B&B we're staying at and we are us after all. I'm sorta surprised neither of us has figured out how to live-blog the ceremony.

Kidding, really.

The reality, however, is that not much is different, aside from there being no frantic preparations. When it dawned on us that we were only a month away from getting married, and we weren't frantically, well, doing anything frantically, we knew we'd made the right decision for us. But in terms of the spirit of how I felt a month before my first marriage, and now how I feel just weeks away from my second, the very true answer is that I really don't feel a difference. Despite knowing deep down that Erik was not the one for me, and that what made me so happy and thrilled was being enveloped by the love of all of the people who loved us, I was feeling elated and joyful in the weeks leading up to our wedding. I believed in the hope, in the promise, even if I wasn't too confident in my ability to carry it all through.

What is different now, I suppose, is my ability to be present. If there is anything that marks my first marriage, and its failure, it is that I was able to exist in it because I was unable to be present for it. I constantly daydreamed and fantasized about what I wanted the relationship to be, and consequently ignored the fact that it wasn't. Had I allowed, or forced, myself to do otherwise, I might have put the brakes on things. Or maybe not. I'm not entirely sure. But as it stands before me, marriage that is, I am present. I exist in this space and know that my relationship is what it is. And by doing so, I am keenly, acutely, aware of what it means to marry this person. He is imperfect, but so am I, but it doesn't really matter much.

Acknowledging this, and choosing to move forward anyway, is probably the biggest mountain I've ever climbed.

There is a lot of joy in our house, a lot of love and a lot of care and friendship. We're kind to each other, and we work as a team. There is no company we'd rather keep than that of the other, and we crack ourselves up on a regular basis. Sometimes Scott has me laughing so hard Glinny runs into the room to break it up, quite literally, which just makes me laugh even harder.

In the morning, when everyone here is groggy and rumpled, eyes crusted over from a night of sleep, and just generally unattractive in that way that is rule rather than exception after you hit thirty, there is the moment when Scott leans over to kiss me that reaffirms we all put up with imperfection for the good of something greater than perfect abs or temperament, and everything is made whole as soon as he turns around to sit at his computer and begin working, drinking his coffee and laughing at his own jokes.

Posted by Erin at 01:12 PM | filed under: Wedding, marriage, love, etc.

comments

post a comment