1) My cousin, Bella. She is spring-loaded in every part of her body and therefore goes flying off of the walls, the couch, the bed, the gate, my head. She comes over every week and has decided that the only way she can maneuver throughout my house is to attach her mouth onto my ears. I hate her. I hate puppies. I hate everyone.

2) The disturbing lack of tennis balls in this house.

3) The heat. It's all too exhausting to talk about. But you try walking around with this much fur on you and see how easily you're able to resist barking at your own reflection. What is this? October or Hades?

4) Pamela Anderson is married again. The Mama says this woman has "daddy issues." I do not know what that means but I think her biggest issue is that she is batshit crazy.

5) I still have no opposable thumbs. It is making world domination, not to mention opening the refrigerator door to abscond with the cheese slices, incredibly difficult.

6) Everyone who has ever been associated or will be associated with anyone or anything having to do with either "Laguna Beach" or "The Hills." This includes my Aunt Kate, who so rudely rushed off the phone with The Mama the other night so she could watch these insipid morons on TV. I am tired of seeing their scrunchy little faces on the cover of The Mama's Us Weekly. I became so incensed with the most recent issue that I grabbed it and tried to tear it apart. I was stopped because The Mama wanted to read about Jennifer Aniston.

7) The Bears. Last night's second-half made for good football but my constitution is far too delicate for that kind of action. Stop screwing up. Kiss Robbie Gould and Devin Hester for The Mama. Tell Urlacher to stop having sex with crazy women and concentrate on being an awesome linebacker.

8) The Mama. She keeps playing, over again over again, "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie, proclaiming to anyone who will listen, that Richie's career is "due for a renaissance." Like Anderson, I find her to be batshit crazy.

9) The disturbing lack of peanut butter in this house.

10) They have a day for Columbus, but not for Awesome Dogs. The Mama says every day is "Awesome Dog Day," but I think she's an evil, lying harpy. I'm off to start a movement, get a petition rolling. But only after I've finished licking my own crotch.

*for Jeanne

Posted by Erin at 10:03 AM | filed under: Glin