September 2007 archives

So perhaps that's why on a hot September day, two years later, overlooking a vineyard in Warreton, Virgina, I suddenly understood why I'd been making all of these changes in my life. We'd just finished another hour of wine tasting with a goodly number of Scott's friends, though, and I'm sure they'll testify to this, there was little denying that we really only had our attention on each other. Since my promotion weeks earlier, we'd barely seen one another. I work nights - late nights - and weekends, too. Scott and I made time for each other best we could, but quality interaction was all but impossible. Getting wrapped up in each other that weekend made sense, and I was grateful for it. I was grateful to feel relaxed, to feel happy, to feel Scott's arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him for a hug or kiss on the forehead every few minutes.

To feel content.

I am certain, as I am of anything, that I have never been a contented person and I've been running after contentment, sure that it comes in any form that I don't currently possess, sure that it's something you can run after in the first place. Usually that means a job, or a possession, but rarely ever myself. I've never been able to sit still, and be happy with who I am and what I am and what I have in my life. I look for more, for bigger, for better.

In that moment, I began to ask myself what I was doing in a job that took me away from the life that brought me more solace than any fancy business card ever could. What was I gaining from all that time away from my friends and family, from Scott, most importantly. This moment had a gestational period. The Monday before we left for Virgina, as we drifted off to sleep, all I could think about was Wednesday, when I was scheduled to return to work, and I felt the most terrifying panic attack set in. Not simply because of the nagging uncertainty I'd been harboring about the job itself, but moreover because I knew it would be several days again until I'd get to fall asleep next to Scott and that was unacceptable to me.

I know what that sounds like, what that sort of statement from a woman always sounded like to me, but now I'm listening with different ears, I guess. The life I thought I wanted isn't what I want. I don't want to be defined by my chosen career field any longer. I want to be defined by the walks I take with my dog, the prayers I give up to God, the nights spent throwing back martinis with my girlfriends, the runs I take in my neighborhood, the work and joy and love that comes from my relationships.

*****

I quit my job yesterday.

Make no mistake, I'm not off to join an ashram, just to a job with a schedule that allows me to spend time with the people who mean the most to me. I'm lucky in that I found a place that not only will allow me a normal schedule, but also new challenges and excitement. And a gym. There is a gym. I am a sucker for any employment opportunity that includes cardio equipment.

I start very soon.

*****

I do not know that if you had seen me on the orange line a few weeks ago you would have been able to notice what I brought home with me from Virgina, if you would have noticed that I brought back my life.

You would have had to have known my life was gone in the first place, and I barely realized it myself. But now it's here, and I've adjusted the angle of things, so that when I shift, when I lean, it remains.

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