1) Remove own collar, chew fastener to bits, as personal statement against the confining shackles placed onto me by The Oppressor, also known as The Mama. Demand that The Oppressor put collar back on. Look dumbfounded and huff out of the room when she explains that I've destroyed it.

2) Become A Woman. Complain about cramps, plead for chocolate and pig ears, urinate on The Mama's mattress, ruining it for all time. Cry and whine for six days, and on Day Seven happily follow The Mama wherever she goes, even the bathroom. Hump Frankie's head.

3) Celebrate Lil' Kim's early release from prison, exclaiming, "Pasties for everyone!"

4) Refuse to watch television for at least two hours in protest of the Oxygen network's new Shannen Doherty vehicle, "Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty." Relived Doherty's glory days by affecting a bad French accent, whining about Dylan and asking for bangs. Lick crotch.

5) Fall in love with The Mama's pool. Ask for pool boy, sunglasses, tankini, peeled grapes, fruit drink with pink umbrella, sunblock, the latest copy of Us Weekly and Elmo Doll. Settle for Elmo Doll and quick scolding.

6) Sleep with pink punk pig doll tucked under chin, dupe The Mama with cuteness. Receive peanut butter garnish with dinner. Perk ears.

7) Write seven-page, pro-Give-The-Dog-What-You're-Eating paper, highlighting the benefits of Baked Cheetos to a growing dog's development. Ignored. Rebuttal argument includes snatching a sandwich out of The Mama's hands as she eats it.

8) Get into speed-happy chase with Frankie and new friend, Saba, a 100-pound, one-year-old, German Shepard. Wrestle with all three dogs under patio table, toppling it over and breaking one of The Mama's wine glasses. Laugh.

9) Sleep quietly on dining room floor, spread-eagle, for an hour. Refuse to move. Snore. Sniff butt.

10) Happily greet The Mama every day, jumping up and down upon hearing the clank of the front gate. Bark. Slobber. Lick The Mama's face.

Posted by Erin at 12:49 PM | filed under: Glin

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