Thank you. Thank you to all of you who wrote me and posted and shared your stories. Thank you for making me feel less alone, too. These things never really go away -- these secrets we keep always remain some part of who we are -- sometimes it's scarier to let go of all of that shame than to keep it. And I am not ashamed of my past and the things that I did to cope; there are, I imagine, worse ways I person can deal with her broken heart. But I am not ashamed solely because I dealt my problems with differently than say, someone who has a proclivity for drug use.
No.
I am not ashamed because I can't embrace all of the good about myself without embracing all of the bad -- even when the bad is no longer a central driving force in my life.
We all need to see just how ugly we can be in order to appreciate just how wonderful we are, too.
***
Some of you wrote to me to say that you're "still at that stage" or that you're "slipping." There is no shame in falling; only in not getting right back up. Life isn't easy and no one promised it would be; you'll forgive me for saying it but we all have our crosses to bear. Some are just -- excuse the pun -- heavier than others. Just the same, don't let food -- or anything else -- define you no matter what stage you're at.
Tonight? Well, heh, this afternoon, I sat down to about four Guinness [Or is that "Guinni?"] and a nice warm plate of kung pao chicken. Does this mean I broke the WW code? You bet your ass! Did I make it to my meeting tonight? FUCK NO! Does this mean I have failed and have set a course for my collapse? Of course not! It means that a coworker and I were downtown at a meeting that got out early, and decided to talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company. Later it meant that Erik picked me up for the train and suggested we have a night of Chinese take-out and movies.
It's life; you just get on the beast and ride.
I can't miss out on such a great evening because recently my life has been dictated by POINTS -- no matter how much it's working for me. So what if I might not have lost as much weight this week as a result -- or even worse, gained! I'm living my life, which means being mindful on all counts. Tonight's beer and Chinese doesn't give me license to go hog-wild tomorrow. It also doesn't mean I should spend the day eating celery sticks and water. Do you know what it means?
Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Because it's just food.
***
According to the scale at the gym [because I always weigh myself at the gym on Saturday morning], I went ahead and lost another two pounds. I didn't eat and drink tonight because I felt I needed to reward myself. Not at all. I indulged because I wanted to, because I had faith that I wouldn't overindulge, and because I know that I'm doing what works for me. I will go to a meeting later this week, and their scale might show nothing more than a pound-loss. But I can live with that.
I could never live without living my life. Neither should you.
***
OK. Enough with this "Buddha On The Mountaintop" shit. Someone send me the name of a good power-crunch-yoga-kickboxing tape!
posted by Erin S on Tuesday, December 17, 2002
